Magical Thinking: Onslaught

Welcome back to Magical Thinking, a look at the art and cards of Magic: the Gathering, set by set, from the beginning, through the eyes of a casual fan. This week we start with a new block, the Onslaught block, with the titular set of the block: Onslaught.

Released in October of 2002, Onslaught continues the storyline of the Odyssey block: Kamahl the Pit Fighter has become a druid of Krosa as the Mirari begins to mutate the local wildlife (which is why you destroy the One Ring, you don’t just bury it). Meanwhile the Cabal has resurrected Kamahl’s sister Jeska as the deadly Phage the Untouchable, and the illusionist Ixidor has used his newfound reality altering powers to create the mighty Akroma, Angel of Wrath. What will happen when all these forces come head to head? Let’s find out, won’t we?

The Onslaught block’s primary thing was making tribal matter. Creature types suddenly mattered because various effects were based around having lots of creatures. As someone who is a huge fan of tribal decks, it means I really enjoyed the cards from the set (Even though I wasn’t playing at this particular time, I started playing again shortly thereafter, so these cards were still out and about). Of course I question the efficiency of tapping five clerics to gain ten life, but I presume white has plenty of ways to lock the board down during this time.

I love flavorful effects like this. Just straight up turn any creature that attacks you to gold. It even had the tried and true trope of once the spell leaves play its effects are instantly reversed. I mean, I don’t know if this card saw any play, but from experience not a lot of people run a lot of enchantment removal, so this can turn out to be a problem in a hurry.

Another White tribe: Soldiers. This one makes a bit more sense to me since you’re tapping them to man the catapult. Seems like a fun little ping machine.

I like the concept of this card, maybe helping you stabilize a little in a bad way, but I think at this point it would be too little too late.

Ah, yes. Morph. Morph is one of the new mechanics of this set, which basically lets you play creatures face down like it’s Yugioh, I think it was meant to represent camouflage or shapeshifters, but the whole thing never really clicked with me for some reason. Doesn’t help that in game morphs are represented by these weird spider things.

That’s another thing I don’t care for, the weird wicker armor that the clerics in this set all wear. I guess it looks nice and all, but it just doesn’t do it for me. I mean, I think the wicker armor is a cool concept, but these designs don’t really click with me. Maybe I just don’t like it because I associate White cards with boring stuff. Oh well.

And of course we have another tribe: Birds. You may remember the Aven from the last block. Also, taking out a foe by crashing into them. Launchpad McQuack would be proud.

Ah yes, that legendary magical artifact, the Skull of Gobby. Bane of all Goblins everywhere. Never forget Gobby. Never forget.

There’s a whole bunch of these Gustcloak cards in this set. Basically their entire thing is that when they are blocked they just…peace out. I guess it represents them turning invisible. Also the art here is confusing. I think the visible guy is a Cabal spy, and in the foreground is the runner preparing to strike them.

Cycling is back! Always love to see that mechanic. Also, I have to say the more I think about it the more the wicker armor thing is starting to grow on me. (Heh, Grow).

I think this is the first time we see a Leonine in the game, and he’s much bigger than the ones we will get later. Big Kitty. Gets bigger when blocking.

I like the flavor here, where the courier is just here to give his weapon to another soldier. It’s a really cool “band of brothers” effect.

While Onslaught didn’t start cycling, I do think this is the first set where cycle did stuff other than just draw you a card. We’ll see more of this later of course with other cycling cards that do stuff.

Cleric, Wizard, buzz-saw enthusiast. He does it all.

Wow, rare actual footage of the Fox News media bubble. Someone hand me a pin!

Ships in a bottle? Those are for casuals. Also, be careful which snow globes you shake, you might hurt someone.

How’s that for a badass name? Arcanis the Omnipotent! Now that’s a name for a legendary. I was wondering why this guy isn’t a bigger deal, but looking up his backstory he’s a pit fighter at the Cabal arena, which makes him the Dominaria equivalent of a pro wrestler. That does explain the overblown name and airs. Still pretty cool though.

The thing about Morph is that it also brings up a lot of cards which are pretty much useless unless you are playing in an environment with Morph in it. I mean, I guess you can put your own things face down, but it’s still limiting the card’s usefulness (which is why it has cycling I presume).

Complicate, AKA “What the Wizards R&D Team Spends All Day Doing” (I kid). I actually really like this card, since if your opponent taps out to cast a spell you can just cycle it for the same cost, still counter the spell, and get a card out of the deal.

Hey look, it’s Sherlock Holmes’ favorite card (Maybe like five people will get that joke).

I think this is supposed to illustrate the act of the morph turning into whatever it was meant to be. It’s just…why? Does this factor into the fiction? What are these morph things? I am so confused by this ability. Apparently Morph is a 4 on the storm scale, but I would rate it a bit higher because of how confusing it is fluff wise.

So it’s a tribal matters deck, so not only do we need cards that support tribes, we need cards that punish people not using tribes. Like a 3/4 that can’t be blocked unless your opponent is playing a tribe. Pretty sneaky, MTG.

Arcanis may claim that he’s Omnipotent, but Ixidor here is one of the main movers and shakers of this storyline. And his powers are based around…morphs. So is Ixidor making all these morph creatures and they just hatch into new creatures when he wills it? Is that what’s going on? Because if so suddenly Morph makes a lot more sense to me.

Mistform is another creature cycle from this set: Basically the Mistform creatures can become any creature type. Except for this one who turns other creatures into any creature type (except walls or legends). A neat trick in all honesty.

Yep, just got the letter. Ali Baba has just tended his resignation. I guess this was just one wall too far. Well, we wish him luck in his future endeavors.

It’s weird they look like they are about to start making out. The Shape of Water 2: You’ve Seen Enough Hentai to Know Where This Is Going.

Ah yes, the ultimate anti mill card. Just get your entire graveyard back in your deck. Hope your opponent has a lot more mill in their deck. My army of waterspouts in armor has my back.

You will never defeat my power of GIANT FROG HANDS. The Frog hands are unbeatable. Also, I just love shapeshifter cards and all the different way Magic has tried to make them work over the years.

Yeah, they’re arguing over what to cut next: Home ec or art class. Those new football team uniforms aren’t gonna pay for themselves.

Looks like he just lobbed a beach ball at someone. A magic beachball. Is this a sport at the cabal arena? I need more info.

NOOOOo! THE INK STAINS! THE PAPER CUTS! THE RUINING OF GOOD LITERATURE!

Does give new phrase to the meaning “threw the book at them”.

Well, it’s nice to see that Braids is still alive and kicking at this point in the story. So many people died last block it’s kind of hard to keep track.

There must be something in the water because Cabal clerics look freaking awful. It’s called skin moisturizer, people. It’s not expensive.

And here is our first look at Phage, one of my favorite legendaries of all time. Sadly she hasn’t shown up on a card yet, nor her rival Akroma, but more on them next expansion.

You know what they say, yesterday’s Necromancer is today’s zombie chow.

I mean…someone probably said that at some point. Don’t quote me.

And here we have my favorite tribe: Zombies! Yes, bring on those rotting dead guys I love so very much.

We got the fat zombie, a guy after my own heart. I always like seeing fat versions of monsters.

Wow, an actual demon. Not a Horror or Nightmare. I guess this was the point WOTC decided they weren’t afraid of the morality police anymore. Good on them.

You know, if Nantuko shed their exoskeletons like other bugs do, the owner of this husk might be alive somewhere. So this is basically the Magic equivalent of Shedinja.

Look, I’ve seen real life Pangolins and they are adorable. They are not giant man eaters like this thing. It’s like someone saw that Lemur from Ice Age and was like “I can make something dumber.”

I never noticed before but they are actually carrying little standard flags. That is adorable. And horrifying. It can be both.

Every tribe has an avatar which has the power of all its tribe members in play. Of course, this one is the best one because A) zombie, and B) It counts zombies in graveyards, so it’s gonna get big.

Yeah, did I mention Phage kills whatever she touches. The slap game is on point. Also, remember cosplay is not consent, Cabal guy.

Visara is another arena fighter like Arcanis. Not much else about her, but I like her because her tentacles look neat. They’re like big, fat worms.

I love that flavor text. Also, I’m pretty sure Charlotte from the Princess and the Frog movie would take that as a challenge and pull out a knife to dig that prince out.

Zombies are my favorite tribe, but Goblins are a close second. Once again I love that flavor text. Remember, it’s not the fall that kills you, it’s the sudden goblin at the end.

I think that Cephalid would be grateful to be out of that thing. However this is another card that’s pretty much useless unless your opponent is playing with morph cards.

See, with this one I can imagine its morph form is just it hiding inside its shell or something, but that probably isn’t the case. I’m sorry but Morph just doesn’t click with me.

Oh hey, it’s Sarkhan’s favorite card. Oh wait, all the dragon cards are his favorite. Even the bad ones. Man I hate Sarkhan.

This one looks like a Warhammer 40k card rather than Magic. Maybe it needs more dakka?

Who’s this coming down the ramp? IT’S GOBBY JR! HE’S GOT A STEEL CHAIR. OH MY GOD HE’S CASHING IN HIS MONEY IN THE BANK. WHAT AN UPSET!!!!

Yeah, I think the cleric might be at a slight disadvantage on this one.

You never want to hear the phrase “Kaboom” when Red Mana is involved. This block also had a “cost matters” theme; Where you wanted to have high cost cards in your deck to take advantage of spells like this. Its also the reason Morph exists, Since you can play your high cost creatures as morphs for cheap them flip them up later.

This is neat. Not only does it reward you for cycling, it punishes opponents for also cycling. Very versatile enchantment.

Ah yes, the dreaded turkey snake dragon. I think this is another pit fighter. Not gonna bother looking him up though. I think I can guess that’s his deal.

This is like the opposite of sticking your cold hands on someone warm skin after you’ve been working in the freezer all day.

I actually have an IRL Goblin deck that has these guys in it. I really like the flavor since the Marshal destroys everything on the board except himself, which makes him a pretty powerful finisher.

Another card from my IRL Goblin deck. The Sparksmith demonstrating why important eye-wear is essential when you are smithing sparks.

One thing I love about Magic is how sometimes you just get random monsters which fall under the umbrella of beasts. What are they? Just beasts, don’t worry about it.

And that’s why brand recognition is important. Yes, I said it. And I’ll say it again.

I guess Kamahl took up watching cat videos to mellow out. Also, this card seems made to punish combo decks that don’t play creature cards.

Yeah, this could pretty much devolve into “destroy everyone’s land and non-creature things in a hurry”, couldn’t it? There are other chain spells this expansion, but this one was the most eye-catching for me.

Man, I can’t believe landwalk is still a thing this late in Magic’s life. I kind of wish they would bring landwalk back, it was a neat mechanic.

I mean, it was just 100 years ago when the invasion happened. It wasn’t that long ago, especially not for Elves (do MTG elves live longer than humans? I assume so).

I like Gigapede, he’s pretty much impossible to keep down: Spell proof, and he keeps coming back every turn as long as you keep discarding.

Looks like things haven’t changed much for Kamahl, although it’s nice to see he’s channeling that berserker rage to more useful pursuits.

Man, imagine being unlucky enough to cast Break Open on this big beast. Would that be an instant concede or what?

Bongzilla, the most chill monster on Monster island. A fan favorite to be sure.

Man, Morphs are like the worst pinata ever. Instead of candy you get giant snakes.

And of course it wouldn’t be green if we didn’t have some hating of flying creatures in there. Always fun to see, especially since flying creatures annoy me to no end.

Forget Edward Scissorhands, have a taste of Legolas Centipede arms. Now that is some good old fashioned nightmare fuel.

I like to call this the “Why yes, I do want to lose” card. The only time I’d ever play this is in a Golgari deck with lots of discard.

Behold: BATTLE SLOTH. Available where fine toys are sold.

Okay, I talked with Ali Baba and he might be willing to come back for some more benefits aaaand he’s gone again. No thank you, Wall of Mulch.

I like this card. I like the flavor and I like the artwork. Even if it’s supremely gruesome. It might be useful in a mistform deck since you can control what creature you can sacrifice better with it.

Hey, it’s the guy the scrapper was fighting. I like this card because it’s basically a different creature based on what kind of tribe you are rolling with. And if you are mixing tribes it does that much more.

Behold! The most coveted of all lands, the fetchlands. People go crazy for these lands. So much so when they were reprinted in Zendikar it was a big deal.

Of course in a tribal set we have tribal lands. Such as this bad boy, which might be the first instance of the fight mechanic showing up in game (although not with that name).

And of course cycle lands. Because sometimes you really don’t need to draw another land.

I think that’s about it for this time. Join us next time when the Onslaught block continues with Legions. Where we finally meet Akroma and Phage in person, and we see the return of some old slivery friends. But that can wait until next time. Until next week, stay Magical.