Disney
The Lunchbox Club — A Rant about Disney Princesses
It all started with a sarcastic but passionate ode to ‘The Princess Protection Programme’. It’s an incredibly cheesy Disney Original with Demi Lovato playing Rosalinda, an un-coronated small island Queen seeking refuge in a royal version of the witness protection programme.
I just wanted to indulge in a bit of nostalgia, but then I’m asked, ‘So she’s a Disney Princess?’ I said ‘no’ because, in my mind, she doesn’t count. I couldn’t give the criteria for why she didn’t count but she just didn’t. Then my friend makes a very valid point, ‘she’s a princess in a Disney film. That makes her a Disney Princess.’ At this point, I’m still in denial. I have a vague idea of what a Disney Princess should be. They’re printed on lunchboxes and t-shirts with all the other Disney Princesses, staring blankly into the distance. They’re the real Disney princesses.
Because I have a toxic urge to be right, I had to find some sort of official criteria. I don’t know if The Disney Wiki can be considered a reliable source, but it’s the best I could find. Here are the criteria:
- Have Royal lineage
- Marry into royalty
- Perform a great act of Heroism
There also seems to be an unwritten rule that you must be animated, the only thing that stops Rosalinda from qualifying. Even if we disregard this unwritten rule, just because you apply doesn’t mean you get the job. What’s stopping Megara and Eilonwy from joining The Lunchbox Club? Why did Esmerelda get dropped?
The Lunchbox Club, or its official branding ‘Disney Princesses’, was launched around the year 2000. There were still Disney Princesses of course, the beautiful brave daughters of kings, queens, and chiefs, and a few quick-witted hypergamous dames. These characters had their own toys and trinkets, but nothing like today. Then Andy Moony takes charge of the Disney Consumer Products Division in 1999.
Around this time he attends a Disney on Ice show and noticed little girls dressed up as their favourite princesses. These outfits were generic princess costumes and not official Disney merch, and Andy’s eyes rolled up into his head to reveal two gleaming dollar signs beneath his irises. So the Lunchbox Club is launched, with a whole new line of products. The original lineup was as follows: Snow White, Cinderella, Tinkerbell, Aurora, Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Pocahontas, Esmerelda, and Mulan.
Right from the off, there were favourites in the Lunchbox Club. The white princesses took centre stage, specifically the pre-renaissance princesses. It reminded me of a Disney Princess magic wand I had. It had buttons for Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty, and they would say cute things along the lines of ‘may all your wishes come true!’ I wished there was a Belle button. Jasmine, Pocahontas, Esmerelda, and Mulan didn’t really get much limelight, and at some point during the 2000s, Esmerelda got dropped. I can’t find any specific reason why she was dropped other than The Disney Wiki claiming her sales were low. I suppose a street performer fighting for Romani rights wasn’t whimsical enough to sell colouring books. Then Tinkerbell moved on to greater things, leading the new ‘Disney Fairies’, a whole new Lunchbox Club…with wings.
The line-up evolves a little in 2010, with Tiana joining the club. Tiana’s entry marks a change. She’s not only the first black princess, but the first princess to enter The Lunchbox Club with a ceremony, taking place at the New York Palace. Rapunzel then followed, being crowned at Kensington Palace, then Merida’s coronation at The Magic Kingdom. Then finally Moana…who didn’t get a ceremony. The inconsistency is beginning to make me seethe. Then, of course, there’s Frozen.
Since the criteria states ‘royal lineage’ and not just ‘princess’, both Anna and Elsa both qualify. I’m sure they were pencilled in as members of the club during the movie’s pitch and would have been welcomed with open arms. However, their movie was eerily similar to a terrifying gelatinous blob that wouldn’t stop growing and consuming the souls of millions of children. Frozen was everywhere for months, there was even a dodgy-looking Frozen pop carousel in my town centre that pumped the soundtrack into the street all year round. It was inescapable. It was very clear that Anna and Elsa didn’t need The Lunchbox Club. Good for them.
The modern-day Lunchbox Club is seemingly more modern. All of the princesses share the spotlight. They use girl-boss slogans like ‘Believe in you’ and ‘Rock the Princess look’ instead of ‘Wish on a star’ and ‘waiting for my prince’. One of my personal favourites was a Lunchbox with Aurora’s face captioned ‘Eat, sleep, nap, repeat’. I’m seriously tempted to get it, but I will not allow myself to fall for the marketing.
Writing this has turned me into some type of Jordon Peterson-esque Goblin, getting frustrated that there is no structure to the real-world fates of Disney Heroines. If I was smarter or a better writer, I’m sure that I could give more nuanced insight. But all I want to do right now is watch Hercules and appreciate that the sole reason Megara isn’t in The Lunchbox Club is that she is simply too fucking cool.
- Cariad Jones
