Why do we create problems for ourselves?

Despite wishing for a peaceful life, we end up creating new problems for ourselves.
Why do we do so, and how can we stop that?

In one interview, Tony Robbins, the renowned life coach, and trainer mentioned that one thing that humans can’t live without are problems. But, that seems contradictory. When most of our life is spent ensuring that we eliminate every problem, why would we create additional trouble for ourselves? Shouldn’t we be trying to be happy instead?

Exactly. That precisely is the reason we create problems: because we want to be happy. Without problems, there cannot be happiness; at least not the version we’re used to. Let’s understand how.

Ego is the root cause

As humans, there is this interesting phenomenon programmed in our minds: ego. Although a healthy ego is needed to perform our duties and live a healthy social life, it often needs extra pampering. When others fail to do so, we may end up taking that responsibility on ourselves.

It is self-evident that boosting the ego makes you happy. There are two ways to achieve this objective: either feel the thrill of victory or the sympathy of a victim. Imperatively, we either need a problem that we can solve to feel good about ourselves or a problem that crushes us so that someone can rush to our aid, making us feel wanted and protected.

We seek ‘independence,’ don’t we?

When others refuse to come to our aid, we console ourselves with the same emotional ointment. This is called self-pity. Sometimes called the worst emotion one could feel, it can be incredibly addictive, for it feels amazingly good. No preparation, no materials needed, and no physical effort. Just use your brainpower and victimize yourself. Bigger the problem, more the self-pity.

Common situations where we victimize ourselves

We end up waiting to be in situations where we are victims so that others can rush to save us, or we can save ourselves. Let’s simplify this.

Have you ever created debates, conflicts or impractical scenarios in your head?

What if the airport security stops me and searches me?

Although she said she loves me, does my wife trust me enough?

What if my family and friends face problem X or Y? Will I be able to help them?

I will end up messing up that critical client email, won’t I?

None of these thoughts is warranted. Yet we indulge them. Why, you ask? Because our egos feed on problems.

More often than not, we will behave in a manner consistent with our thoughts, deliberately picking fights, giving justifications, going to places we ideally wouldn’t have gone to, or making mistakes that have mild to severe consequences.

It can work the other way round, too

For those who don’t want to play victims, the brain presents another avenue: become a savior. Find someone who’s playing the victim (or not), and make it your life mission to help them.

Of course, it is nice to be a kind and helpful friend. But, making your time and emotional availability open for such self-made victims harms you both. Your objective is not to help genuinely, but to only feel good about the process.

How can you get over this?

If you’re human, you’ve done this yourself and definitely know someone who displays these behavioral traits. I have been there, too. But, instead of dismissing them as negative, attention-seeking, or needy, let’s figure how to help them.

Or, you can do nothing and things remain as they are. Time solves problems by itself. But the only catch is, here, we may end up creating a million more in the meantime. Healthy self-love and self-respect are the only solutions to stop any toxic emotional harm. Consult a professional therapist or seek guidance to live healthier and happier lives.

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Originally published at https://thewiseidiot.in on May 8, 2020.