Biography
2009. Blairsville, Ga.
I found God in a dusty old abandoned barn on owltown road when I was thirteen. Even Though I was born on September 26th, 1996, I don’t feel like I really lived up until that point. The light filtered through the rafters and exposed every speck of pollen sneaking its way through. Daffodils grew through the floor. I thought it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw. And it was that simple. That is when I knew. The world is too beautiful to be a mistake.
Religion in small Blairsville, Georgia was a little different than other places. I wanted to chase that feeling around. I took advice more and more on what it meant to be “child of God”. Blairsville, Ga, where I was born and lived until I graduated high school, was a small town with a lot of differing ideas on the subject. With a population of about 560 people, there are about 27 Baptist churches, 7 Methodist churches, 2 Lutheran, 2 Presbyterian, 2 Church of God, 1 Episcopal, 14 Nondenominational, 1 Mormon, and 1 Catholic. Everyone had different opinions on what it meant to give your life to God.
Desperate to please God, I found myself trying to please those who I thought knew everything about Him. My friends would say, “Momma told me you need to get saved, cause’ you’re a Catholic. Catholics drink alcohol and worship the Pope.” Others would say, “Pray to Mary for advice.” Others found the solution to be all about giving back to others. More found more faith in a declaration of, “He is Lord.”
In short, I quickly became overwhelmed.
I spent three hours a day praying at morning and night. I continually fasted from food. I never said a cuss word. And I always wore a scapular around my neck. In school, people laughed at me. They thought I was too fervent. But all I wanted was love and a truth to believe in.
2011. Atlanta, Ga. Dr. Behrman’s Office
I picked at my scabs from washing my hands too much as I listened to my mom speak to Dr. Behrman.
“We are gonna diagnose her with scrupulosity.”
“What is that?”
“A generally rare type of O.C.D. It usually pertains to religion or morals. I would say Hannah is about an eight out of ten on how bad she is. ”
My mom laughed. “Oh my God. That makes since.”
I went home that night and felt hopeless. I asked God why he would punish me for only trying to do the right thing. I only wanted my burning bush.
May 15, 2015 Blairsville, Ga
The day of my graduation, I weighed 150 pounds. That is 60 pounds than my freshmen year. I ran cross country, graduated top honors, and had a promise to the University of Georgia. As I waited in line for my name, I looked into the Blue Ridge Mountains. I thought about how proud I was of myself. My mom said that graduating high school was nothing to be proud of, but I didn’t care. I went through so much to fix my brain.
It was painful. It was heartbreaking. It was possible. And I did it.
Now I would scale only about a 2 or 3 on on my therapist’s O.C.D scale, compared to the 8 that I was originally diagnosed with.
The cure included long hours of actively thinking of my fears until they became obsolete. I had to look myself in the mirror and tell myself hell had a room waiting for me. I think of this as comical now, but at the time I felt like my world had collapsed. I had to go two days not washing my hands. I could only pray fifteen minutes a day. But the constant exposure helped me to feel more and more normal.
The second step for the cure was my mother. My mother drove me two hours for a therapist appointment twice a week. My situation would have been completely hopeless without her love and compassion. Even though she struggles with words, I know my mother has a deep love for me because of this experience.
However, the best step was recreating my relationship with God. My problem wasn’t the climb. Instead, it was the dissent. I had to learn to come down from the mountain top. Sure, I tripped. I stumbled. But, honestly, I liked getting up. I found more about God in the normal life that I started to live. Where everyone else lived. The small things started to matter more. I felt more love for the ones around me. I felt more in love with the person I was. I believe that makes God truly happy.
Now most people from home would probably describe me as a sinful liberal who lies about being a Christian, but I feel like I have really gotten to the heart of Jesus. A God who loves everyone and made everyone a masterpiece.
When I started college, I felt more welcomed for my personal beliefs. Just like everyone else at college, I started to question things. I didn’t only question religious laws, but I also questioned the way I viewed the world and myself. I especially found issue with how women were viewed.
In art history classes, I learned how women were rendered and visually consumed in history. While maybe it isn’t shocking to find that women have been depicted sex objects, I found it quite interesting to think about how those kind of images have shaped our society that we live in today.
I also started meeting girls who had the bravery enough to tell me about the sexual abuse that they personally experienced. Whether it is from unwanted attention, word, or to full-on sexual violence, you would be surprised how many women in your life have been victims of sexual abuse. Ever since I made this discovery, I have refused to be quiet when I see anything that puts women down. I think in that way, I am just like my mom. I dedicated my project to her for this reason; to thank her.
