Crushing Numbness and the Need to Feel Something, Anything
Or: That feeling when you need a meme to experience one (1) feel.
I almost cried just now. I haven’t cried in quite a while, at least not a proper cry, but a goddamn meme about a Garfield plushie almost did it.
Life has been throwing curveballs at me for the past month and a bit, starting with my car’s hybrid system crapping out and extending through today, when I took my car to the mechanic for the third(!) time in recent weeks. This time, the check engine light is on. It drives decently, so I’m hoping that it’s an inexpensive fix, but I’m not confident.
How does all of this make me feel? Well, there’s anger, frustration, sadness, depression, and a mix of other negative stuff, but by and large, I just feel numb.
Don’t get me wrong, there are emotions bubbling there, but most of them are subdued by the sheer crush of stuff that has been going on lately. Even my rage, an emotion that is generally viewed as strong, is mostly just being held under the surface by cement shoes, seething and flailing but ultimately not accomplishing very much above the surface.
So, so much of what I’ve been experiencing lately has been, just, soul-crushingly depressing that I’m simultaneously having a hard time holding…
