Taken from Vagamon, Idukki Kerala

16th April 2017

Dear friend,

I think there is a quote like too much chefs spoils the dish. Just like that, I’m getting spoiled inside my head. At least 5-8 people personalities are there inside my head right now. I have no idea what to do and what not to.

You would probably say, follow your heart, but how can follow when all these 5-8 people inside my head is me itself? How can I choose? Brain? One brain against 5 hearts? Nah! Brain losses. So back to Square 1.

The lonely chair from Kochi Biennale 2016–17

Now you may say "Talk to someone about it" and the question of with whom should I talk about it? I don’t want to talk with someone who judge. There are around 5-8 people judging inside my head already. I don’t need any more people. I don’t want anyone who sit silent and doesn’t respond. How can it help if the other person is stone silent? How can it help me to decide or remove confusion? Then there is one (type of) person with whom I can talk - the Godfather type. Whom I follow​ and or whose decision or ideas I consider as mine. But I don’t have anyone like that! Anyone who knows exactly or did exactly what I’m doing? Nope. None. So back to square one.

These thoughts are actually shaping my mind and personality. I am writing in a time that i started to feel that I’m becoming a different person all together. Is it normal? I don’t know. Perhaps its that way it is. Its the pain of another you forming inside your head.

What if I don’t like the new me?

What if chose one heart and it ends me up with the Wrong me?

What do I am having theses thoughs/phases again and again?

Why is life a infinite loops of repetition?

I started to feel like the hobbies I had already started to leave me. Hobbies like making friends going out talking photos was actually less since I started to work, but it was there. Now I feel like I'm unable to Frame and think as smart as i used to. I don't know where it's going to end. But the only thing I know that I might be able to change my own fate. All I need to know which direction I should steer it.

Hope I will find like in this dark tunnel.

With love
Jishnu Vediyoor

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