Nerd Alert: What Makes the Nerd Great?

by Chad Allen Zollinger

Dweebs, dorks, dolts, oafs, goobers and goofballs are not nerds. They are subcategories of geeks which are forever divided amongst themselves and more importantly, have nothing to do with nerds.

Is there a difference between nerds and geeks? Of course there is. That difference is separated by a fine line which many nerds fear is becoming more blurred.

As a member of the geek brigade, I scoff at the lame attempts of geeks everywhere who seek to define themselves as nerds. We can never ascend to that station. Nerds are programmed, predestined, and prophesied at birth to become our bosses and our rich relatives with super hot spouses.

For each geek attempting to cross that line, you’ll see a few to a hundred nerds rallying to cut him or her off. For every geek that follows Star Wars on Twitter, there are thousands of nerds making Star Wars a reality.

We (the geeks) are a class of eternal wannabes.

What are the differences?

Let’s start by defining each.

A Nerd is one who has invented or will invent everything you love in life.

A Geek is someone who simply wants to invent, or pretends to invent the things you love. Geeks are all talk and no game.

A geek will memorize all of the lines to Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Star Trek, or Harry Potter.

Nerds are the geniuses who wrote those words and are now making millions off of your mindless fandom.

So how do you find out which you are?

If you want to find out if you are a nerd or a geek, just answer this simple question: would you rather marry an attractive member of the opposite sex or go back in time and play chess with Jose Raul Capablanca?

If you’d rather play chess with good ol’ Jose, you’re the biggest nerd of all time. Congratulations.

If you answered to the contrary, then you are at least a human and at most a geek.

Beware the Angry Nerds

Like angry birds but with nerds

There exists a rare, yet ever-present and omniscient group within the nerd hierarchy whose tempers may be flared at the slightest attempt to join in conversation with them. Don’t even bring up Nintendo.

These nerds are not to be approached, unless you have a secret desire to experience a slow death by pure intellect.

They are a proud people, whose every thought is too exalted for our unworthy ears. Even if we were somehow lucky enough to hear what these nerds have to say, we wouldn’t survive hearing them speak. If you somehow befriend one of these nerds, hold them close and never let go. You won’t get many second chances.