The Paradoxes of Depression
And the crazy truth that comes with them
This article covers several difficult issues, including depression and suicide. If you or anyone you know needs help finding support and crisis resources, please go to bit.ly/DOHhelplines for more information.
Someone told me once, “Are you sure you’re depressed? Maybe it’s just in your mind.”
Then I started asking myself, “Am I really depressed?” And to be honest, I don’t like the idea of being depressed, or perhaps the idea of being weak. Because I’m the type of person who doesn’t really like asking for help. If I knew I can do something, I’d do it on my own. I don’t like bothering other people. I’m that kind of person.
The weird thing about being depressed is that you don’t want people to think you’re in need of help. You don’t want them to think you’re hopeless or miserable, but you know for a fact that deep inside, you need help.
That’s one of the weird paradoxes of depression.
You know it’s normal to feel sad after a loss or when things get difficult. And it’s also a normal reaction for other people to feel sorry for you when you’re in a bad situation. But the thing is, when you’re depressed, you don’t want other people to pity you. You don’t want them to see you less of a person. I’ve been in that situation for too many times. And it’s even harder because I’m not used to being on the receiving end. I’m always the one giving bits of advice, giving hugs to my friends. I’m always the one telling them, “Stay strong! Look at the bright side.”
But sadly, I’ve been in a very tough situation lately. I lost two of the most important person in my life, my grandparents. Two of the most amazing people who I am very grateful for. Saying goodbye to them was never easy, especially because I’m never gonna be able to see them again forever. Of course, it’s not easy to look at the bright side when you’re in that situation.
But I can’t let myself dwell in sadness forever. I have to choose to let myself move on.
While moving on can’t be done without an effort, we have to remember that it’s not about forgetting, it is about acceptance. Honestly, it is a hard decision to let go but it is also relieving.
And that’s another weird paradox of being depressed. I remember a popular quote, “You cannot give what you do not have.” And for me, again I’ve always been used to being on the giving end. But without sadness, I won’t be able to appreciate how liberating it is to feel joy. It won’t feel genuine when I say, “Everything will be alright.” There’s nothing wrong about being sad, we all have our downtimes. It’s okay to not be okay.
I know, it’s crazy when you think about it. I’m not saying you have to be depressed to be able to help other people who are struggling with depression. I’m saying you have to really understand how it feels. That’s also why I’m asking myself if I were really ever depressed. Was it just in my mind, because I wanna be able to help other people by relating to them?
If I’m being honest, I know I was sad to some extent. I know I was hurting for some time. And yes, I was depressed. I can’t say I’m passed it. I am still working on it. I’m still helping myself out. But now I’m just way over my head.
