Fair Fighting: The Rules of Engagement
When two people live together long enough, inevitable upset ensues. Arguments are a form of communication that force you to grapple with your self, informing you what you’re made of. In other words, heated moments reflect the best and worst of you under stress. They challenge you to examine whether you “fight” from your best self or from “below the belt.” They highlight your unresolved issues and how you communicate your needs.
A smart resolution for couples as they enter the holiday season is to commit to fair fighting. Fair fighting requires intentionality and keeping your wits about you, in other words, not devolving into the regressed part of yourself, but keeping your cool so that the best parts of you are operational.
Below-the-belt fighting consists of name-calling, interrupting, bringing up the past, distracting from the issue, shaming or blaming your partner while upset — all of which rip at the foundation of your relationship. Fair fighting requires that you manage your anxiety and breathe, so you can state your problem in the form of a request, talk about your feelings, and the impact the issue is having on you. By doing this, you can stay clear-headed enough to suggest some alternative possibilities to the problem. This will encourage a dialogue where you can examine the positive and negative consequences of the alternative suggestion, allowing you to work toward a solution together.
Fair fighting asks that each person own their feelings by using “I” statements rather than “you” statements that are inherently shaming and blaming. When you speak with the intention to be understood, rather than to be right, or to “win” the argument, you’re setting yourself and your partner up for a positive outcome. Intending to be understood also invites you to listen to your partner with the intent to better understand him or her, not to prove your point or defend yourself. This approach paves the way for a constructive approach to “finding” each other from a place of empathy. When you construct the problem as the problem, and not your partner as the problem, then you can work together against the problem, so you both feel seen, heard and understood.
When understanding, not being right, is your goal, then you can have compassion for your partner and work towards helping him or her out. You can accept their flaws and foibles, forcing you to accept your own too. Ultimately, we have to look at our part in the argument and recognize that we’re contributing to the problem. Self-compassion for your fear, pain and upset will supersede your tendency to blame and shame the other. This minor, but not so easy shift will change the way you talk about what’s upsetting you IF you choose to be honest and vulnerable about your issues.
Vulnerability and truth will create intimacy between the two of you, leading you to what you wanted all along: to be known and to connect more deeply.
