Kill them with kindness
“Kill them with kindness” — a phrase my mother frequently recited to me whenever adversity ever came my way. Being kind was something I felt came very naturally to me. My mother tried to instill in my sisters and me the importance of kindness, especially for those who could use a smile. In a work by authors Adam Phillips and Barbara Taylor, On Kindness, the authors examine the true meaning of kindness and what role it plays in society. The authors beg the audience to ask themselves, “Can I be kind? Can our mutual hurt unite us? Can I ever except my vulnerability?”
The authors begin by looking into the inner self and examining the behavior of a person. The work questions if kindness is a feature one is born with or if it must be learned. They state, “Most people appear to believe that deep down they (and other people) are mad, bad, and dangerous to know’ that as a species — apparently unlike other species of animal — we are deeply and fundamentally antagonistic to each other, that our motives are utterly self-seeking, and that our sympathies are forms of self-protection” (4). This statement makes the audience question their own true self, who are they deep down? Is one’s instinct mad, bad, or dangerous? If not, does kindness reside in its place?
With kindness, the authors explain, one feels pleasure from helping another, but with the consequence that it can be dangerous. Kindness can be hazardous based on a “susceptibility to others, a capacity to identify with their pleasure and sufferings (5). Kindness allows one to discover another’s perspective, to walk in the shoes of another, but it does not account for the comfort of the footwear.
In the modern age, many are honored for their kind acts. Taylor says, “Kindness is seen either as a cover story or as a failure of nerve” (8), bringing to light the idea that if kindness is publicized, than that person must be praised. This idea stems from the idea the authors cite in the beginning of the work when they state that kindness is essentially a selfish act. Though one performs the kind action for another, it is self seeking for the praise, glory, and pleasure that result that the action is entirely their own.
Though the work examines why one performs kind deeds, it also looks at how kind deeds are performed. One must be vulnerable to be kind. It is this ability that allows one to fully experience the other and the impact of one’s words or actions. However, in modern society, vulnerability has become a sign of weakness. In a fast paced world, full of people, opinions, strength, and power, showing weakness is a sign that you are not strong enough for this world. Being vulnerable translates to the idea that you are less than, that you will not survive the harsh reality of society.
Both ideas of kindness formulate a suspicion of kindness, “That it is either a higher form of selfishness (the kind that is morally triumphant and secretly exploitative) or the lowest form of weakness (kindness is the way the weak control the strong, the kind are only kind because they haven’t got the guts to be anything else) (9). The authors paint a picture of kindness to be a value for those who pity those beneath them or as a trait that those from below rely on.
Humans are competitive by nature. Since the dawn of human existence, they had to fight for survival, at times sacrificing others in hopes of making it through the day. The authors believe that this inherent sense of survival instints has carried with humans throughout evolution, creating a basis for an unkind world. Kind works were done by those who were weak and relied on this value for survival. Today, survival relies on different resources, but the trait of kindness is still put into question. In this example of evolutionary thinking, kindness looks old fashioned.
As many grow older, many come to believe that “kindness is a virtue of losers” (9). Taylor comments that in the realm of competition, kindness does not help in winning, it only benefits people morally. Kindness is a low rung on the latter. She does not see how kindness can get one to the top, especially in a society that values respect for status over much else.
My mom always told me to kill them with kindness, not as a form of weakness or selfishness, but to show my strength as someone with values and morals that extend from myself. While working at AVID, I have learned to be kind. I had to learn how to walk in their shoes and find my comfort in a place I would otherwise avoid. However, learning was not as hard as I thought it would be. Sitting in the classroom, surrounded by students eager to learn and help each other was inspiring. As one student posed a question, the others spoke to him in gentle tones, helping the student recognize what sources could be used and how to solve their problem. They do not belittle each other. They do not disrespect or complain. They bring each other up and learn to laugh at their small mistakes. It is kindness in its most true form — actions done for others without the desire of gaining anything in response.
