If you write online about race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or other forms of difference, you’re familiar with the torrential flood of oddly similar anonymous comments such pieces generate. As someone who’s spent a career covering and commenting on these topics, the last decade and a half on the Interwebz, I’ve decided to do these hard-working netizens a giant favor and share with them a simple template that they can use to instantly post the perfect incoherent blurt of hate-filled rage. Don’t say I never did anything for you, troll. Give Mrs. Troll and the trollkins my best.
[Important: Please insert 10-12 random misspellings and/or grammatical errors before posting]
Dear Online Writer:
It has come to my attention that you are [a person of color/woman/ LGBTQ/differently abled/immigrant] and you have posted an online essay suggesting that your situation in life is somehow challenging because of a circumstance relating to people who are not in your condition. As an Internet commenter, it is my mouse-driven duty to anonymously respond to your post. I’m not sure what would happen if I failed to do so, but I saw what happened when they stopped pushing the button in LOST so I will not take any chances.
First of all, get over it, stop being so damn sensitive, and quit whining. It’s not [racist/sexist/homophobic/ableist/xenophobic] if they’re not trying to hurt you. Obviously you have no sense of humor, taste, understanding of the bigger picture, or awareness of context. Furthermore, I will stop being [bigoted/misogynist/a gaybasher/nativist/body-normative/a general douchebag] when YOUR PEOPLE — every last one of them — stops doing that ONE THING I think is unfair or exclusionary to people like me. Besides, if we stop doing this thing you don’t like, shouldn’t we stop doing EVERY OTHER EXAGGERATED THING IN THE WORLD and stick forks in our eyes and kill ourselves? Isn’t that the direct logical extension of the suggestion you just made?
And why are you even posting about ridiculous things like this when we really all should be worried about [vaccinations/chemtrails/jackbooted thugs/Obamacare/BENGHAZI/other invented larger problem]?
And don’t you know it’s [racist/sexist/homophobic/ableist/xenophobic] to talk about [race/gender/sexual orientation/being disabled/ immigration]? We should all just be humans and focus on our similarities, not our differences. You’re being divisive, which is a huge problem for me as someone comfortably in the privileged majority whose lifestyle is dependent on that majority status continuing indefinitely.
Finally, fuck you for implying I’m [racist/sexist/homophobic/ableist/ xenophobic], you [ethnic slur/bitch/fag/cripple/un-American foreigner, USA! USA!].
Internet X. Commenter