Love and power
A year or so ago I read the book by M. Scott Peck “A Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth”.
Well, I didn't just read it, I read it, listened to the audio book, then listened to the audio book again. This book really helped me see some of the core dynamics involved in healthy and unhealthy relationships. What has stuck with me the most is Scott Peck’s definition of love: “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”.
It makes sense when you think about it. Love is growth. If you love yourself you are caring for and growing yourself. If you love someone else you are caring for and helping them grow. What’s useful about this definition is that love isn't a feeling, it is an action or behavior.
I heard a story about false love that went something like this: The aunt says to her 4 year old niece “you know your uncle Tommy loves you so much!” And the little girl sharply replies, “Then why doesn't he ever come see me?” Kids are acutly aware of the relationship between love and action. Somehow adults have divorced the two.
Love is a virtue in our society. So if we cannot or will not love someone by taking care of them then we may deceive ourselves by turning love into a feeling that we can just express in order to meet the criteria of being a loving person. No real commitment to change is necessary in order to meet this “feeling as virtue”.
My family is a very interesting case study. They tend to be overly helpful in some aspects but reject any help for themselves. It’s as if being in a position to help demonstrates a position of power but receiving help shows weakness.
Is this what love is? Power? Is the motivation behind love really to demonstrate the ability to influence another person? Maybe it is. I mean, we tend to have a strong desire to influence our world. My kids love interacting with any toy or object which they can influence, even if its just moving their own body parts. To make an influence in the world is fascinating. As adults we eventually learn about our personal mortality and we are strongly motivated to make changes in the world which extend beyond ourselves (i.e. raising a family, starting a business or cult).
I would say my family is an example of dysfunctional loving relationships. In a healthy relationship there is give and take, not just give and not just take. I let you influence me while I am able to influence you.
When we allow another person to influence us we tend to think of it as “I respect this person.” Adding in a new word to this love/power dynamic may complicate things a bit, but I believe these are all words that are hinting at the same dynamic. It is best to try to visualize what is going on. We desire to live in a space where give and take happens. We want to be networked into a family and our local community.
If we tend to resist a person’s helpful gestures it may be due to a lack of respect. We tend to respect those who have some kind of quality we admire. Perhaps they have achieved an accomplishment that we would like to achieve ourselves. Whatever the specific reason is for respect the general idea is we allow this person to influence us. We allow them to love us.
If we allow some people to love us but reject others from loving us this is probably due to respect for some and a lack of respect for others. But if we reject anyone from loving us, even those we respect then we have to ask ourselves why this is. Do we believe that we are unworthy of love? Or are we afraid to show weakness?
Understanding that power and influence is at play in love brings a bit of clarity to healthy relationships. If I want to be in a loving relationship I need to allow others to change me while also desiring and seeking positive change in others.
