The Key To Eliminate Fear And Overcome Regret
Fear and regret have one thing in common — both are based on events that don’t exist in present time. Yet so often, we allow them to cripple us. In fact, we indulge in it. Don’t you? I did (and still do from time to time).
Fearing the unknown future makes me want to lie in bed all day to calm my anxiety of not knowing if whatever I do now will get me the result that I want. Then I would watch funny videos for hours to drown out the voice in my head that keeps telling me I’m not good enough. Indulging in the manifestations of fear is so much more soothing than facing fear head on.
Regret eats me up inside. That sickening feeling of shame and self-blame is all too familiar. It gets me angry. Angry at myself, angry at the situation and angry at people. I would feel so deprived of happiness that I would go for the easiest solution to feel happy, which mostly comes in the form of alcohol and parties. It’s a temporary distraction; the negative feeling never completely goes away.
Why we live in a different time
If we know that living in fear and regret is not good for us, why do we still do it? I believe the root of it comes from control. The dissonance comes from wanting to change our past and see our future, but living in a time and space that doesn’t allow us to do that. This lack of control is very frustrating and by self-preservation instincts, we do things that soothe the frustration, even when we know it’s just temporary.
Secretly, we all want to be time travelers.
We want to go back in time to change what happened. “If only I did this…” But we only did what we could have at that time. We were limited to the amount of knowledge, maturity and skill we had at that point and we did what we thought was best. So even if we get another shot at it, we would do the exact same thing given the same resources. We also want to travel to the future to assure ourselves. But if we have psychic powers to peer into our future, we would sabotage the lessons we need to learn to get there. And without the struggles and failures we have to go through, the future that we want will never become a reality.
I’m sure we’ve all seen such plot twists in time travel movies.
Why it’s okay to have fear and regret
Fear and regret have different functions in our lives. We need them both to get to where we want to be. The real problem is the quicksand that we might fall into, also known as dwelling. We can always choose to stir clear of it or let it wash over us and slowly sink into the dark abyss. But there’s always a choice and the choice is yours to make.
If you recognize the emotions that come with fear and regret, but choose not to dwell in them, it’s possible to utilize them as tools for your journey.
Fear shows aspiration
“Do one thing every day that scares you.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
Fear is a cue that signals threat. It just means what you’re about to do could be more than you can handle. It also means you’re pushing yourself beyond your limits, which is the only way to be great at something. Even if it doesn’t turn out well at the end of the day, you’ve aspired, you’ve challenged yourself, you’ve gained the experience… essentially, you are so many steps ahead of others who haven’t tried. Staying in your comfort zone is as good as regressing in this world that’s constantly moving.
Regret shows improvement
“Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.” — Henry David Thoreau
Unfortunately, we usually learn by the pain of consequences. But regret shows that you’ve learnt something and you know better now, you’re already better inside, and the only thing left is to DO better. You’ve been through the first few steps to becoming a better person and now you’re just one final step away from actually being better.
Regret closes doors to reroute your direction. You may have already faced consequences of a wrong direction, but more importantly, how do you recover from it and search for a better one? Life is more often about learning to shut doors than finding open ones. Regrets are necessary in our lives because one day, all those doors we’ve learnt to shut will guide us to the doors we should be opening.
The power that we’re not using
We have control over one thing that we often neglect. And in my experience, this is the most effective way to eliminate fear and overcome regret. You should have guessed it by now, but here it is:
Being present.
While you’re looking back at past regrets, or too far ahead into the future, you might just miss out on fully investing in the present moment. And the present is what counts. You can change both your past and future at the same time with what you do in the present.
“The power for creating a better future is contained in the present moment: You create a good future by creating a good present.” — Eckhart Tolle
Show up with your heart, mind and soul. You can choose to hand the power to what has or hasn’t happened, or exert power over your present thoughts, emotions and actions.
How to be present
First, catch yourself drifting away from the present, then get creative in staying in real time. These are methods that I use on myself, but you can also come up with ways that are effective for you.
1) Focus on the task at hand
Give your full and undivided attention to what you’re doing. Whether it’s working on a project, going for a run, or talking to someone, put in your 100%. The most successful people set goals for the future but work on the Now.
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi talks about how being in optimal consciousness, which he calls the flow state, brings happiness. The idea is to fully immerse yourself into doing something, so much that nothing else matters in that moment. It sets you up for hyper focus that helps you perform better and makes you happier.
2) Don’t think about the results
Think about how to get better at what you’re doing instead of the results it produces. Results should simply be treated like a by-product of your work. Shift your focus back to the purpose of the task, ask yourself why you’re doing it. If you work with a clear purpose, you won’t have to worry about the results.
3) Replace worries with action
This is a hack that I use to counter anxiety and worries. Whenever I realize that I’m dwelling on something I have no control over, I turn it into an action. It could be doing something about the situation like listing possible solutions to the problem, or just something totally unrelated like working out. The feeling of uncertainty is my cue to get up and take an action.
Alter your life
No one is spared from fear and regret. But you can alter your present and future with your response. Put regrets to good use and applaud yourself for daring to fear, then let everything else fade away while you focus on the here and now.
