I need my alone time
As we get older, women cherish time alone more than ever
When in my life have I been alone? To answer that, I had to go way back to my university days which is several decades ago now. Throughout the years of marriage and raising children, divorce, single motherhood, and remarriage ten years ago, I haven’t been alone that much. I mean alone in the physical sense, not lonely emotionally.
Maybe that is why I cherish it now.
Like many students, I moved out of my parents’ house while I was studying at university and shared a place on campus with two roommates for a couple of years. Then, I rented a basement bachelor apartment downtown and that was truly the first time I lived completely on my own.
And I enjoyed it.
I liked the freedom and independence of not have to tell anyone where I was going or when I’d be back. I had to make sure to pay my rent and other bills on time, and watch my budget. If I felt like having bagels and melted cheese for dinner, that’s what I ate. I remember putting the television on to hear background voices to keep me company when I was alone in my apartment but I wasn’t lonely. I was busy with my fellow classmates all day at school and then co-workers and customers at my part-time job. I certainly did not lack for social interaction and human connection.
Here’s what Brene Brown says in her latest bestselling book, Atlas of the Heart:
It’s important to note that loneliness and being alone are very different things. Being alone or inhabiting solitude can be a powerful and healing thing. As an introvert, I deeply value alone time, and I often feel the loneliest when I’m with other people.
I remember feeling rather proud of myself back then for managing on my own and being okay with my solitude. I guess this is part of the maturation process. It likely helped that my parents lived in the same city and I knew that I could rely on them in an emergency. Also, I could go over anytime for a visit and a home-cooked meal.
But essentially, I learned to like my own company and I’ve held onto that throughout the various stages of life.
Women who have been married and raised children know how rare and precious time to yourself is in those busy years, especially if they worked outside the home as well. Someone always seemed to need something right? I often felt pulled in ten different directions at once. It was stressful and soul-sucking at times.
I also remember feeling the societal pressures and expectations that made me feel guilty for occasionally taking a much-needed break. It was necessary to do it though, in order not to lose myself completely in my roles as wife and mother.
If you’ve been a single parent at any time that is when time alone became a particularly rare and precious occurence. When my kids went to their father’s for the weekend after we first separated, I remember feeling lost but then I began to count the days until I could have a break and some “me” time. I would go to a local restaurant, order a personal pizza and a glass of wine and read my book. Heavenly!
I used to say when the kids were gone with their father that I took my “mom hat” off and recharged my batteries. It was the best way I could describe it then but looking back, I think I was saying it was great to reconnect with myself. Then I’d look forward to the kids’ return on Sunday evening feeling mentally refreshed.
Today, I think young mothers will find more support and encouragement from their partners when they need a mental health break or some alone time compared to 40–50 years ago. Back then, if mom went for a run or to an art exhibit by herself she was being selfish and neglecting her family but when dad took off golfing with his buddies for the day that was considered normal and acceptable.
Although the societal expectations and subtle pressures are still there, I think that the younger generations are changing these norms in a positive way. Also, world events have pushed these issues to the fore in the past few years i.e. the covid pandemic made us more aware of the need for self-care in whatever form that takes for each of us. During the height of the lockdowns, however, too much forced solitude became damaging to some people’s mental health while to others, it became a pipe dream while juggling responsibilities at home. But these were extreme circumstances.
Every one of my midlife friends and acquaintances who I’ve informally polled about this agree that they need their alone time more than they did in their youth. Why? Is it because we’re more comfortable with ourselves? We’ve come to terms with who we are and enjoy our own company? We cherish time alone after years of constant demands on our time and energy? Have we become more introspective as we’ve “seasoned”? Are we becoming wise, old crones? (I mean that in a good way).
I don’t know all the reasons but I know it’s a real thing. So is the post-menopausal surge of creativity. Along with the need for more time alone, midlife women often get back to hobbies they abandoned long ago or take up new creative pursuits, start meditating or going hiking; they take a trip to a bucket list destination and blog about it — all kinds of solo activities that were put on the backburner in younger years. My theory is that once the demands and stresses of work and childrearing are gone, it gives more space in our minds to focus on what we truly enjoy and this stimulates creativity.
I’d be remiss not to acknowledge how challenging it is for women who are the main caregivers for family members, particularly elderly parents, to get some time alone. If they’re also working, it’s darn near impossible. I travelled that road for many, many years (although I was retired), and I know how difficult it was to juggle it all, let alone carve out some time for myself. I grabbed snippets where I could and made sure to reach out for support to my close friends and keep engaged in my hobbies which probably helped save my sanity. I’m not kidding………
There’s the old stereotype of the man who retires and is constantly “underfoot” at home driving his wife crazy because he has no friends or hobbies. Thankfully, my husband has several outside activities and buddies to hang out with. When we became empty-nesters a few years ago, it felt weird at first and we missed the kids, but we have both come to enjoy the quietness of the house and the time alone we get as a result. If you’re not there yet, trust me; you’re gonna love this phase of life.
Recently, we got a puppy and I absolutely love walking him twice a day; it gets me outside and I do some of my best thinking. Added bonus is I’ve met all the other dog owners in the neighbourhood!
Solitude can be a wonderful thing. It’s not a matter of wanting it. At this stage in life, many of us need it.
