“This conference sucks”
Have you ever gone to an event and felt like an outsider?
When I was 20 years-old, I was invited to attend a small conference that featured some of the brightest people in my industry.
I remember arriving and feeling extremely shy. All the attendees were milling about, talking, laughing, and joking. But no one noticed me. I was just standing there, like a dork, all alone with nobody to talk to.
“This is stupid,” I muttured. I located the nearest bowl of chips, and just sat there feeling uncomfortable, wishing that someone would notice me and start a conversation.
But no one did. I kept eating my chips, thinking about my predicament. After a time, my emotions settled down, and I had a profound realization:
I’m completely focused on myself right now: I’m expecting all these people to notice me, and cater to my needs. What if I turned that around, and started focusing on the needs of others?
Too often, we think about networking in terms of “what we can get”: we go to events desperate for attention, desperate to get noticed, desperate to not be lonely.
Change your thinking
That day at the conference, I learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life:
When you’re in a social situation you need to focus on what you can give to others, instead of what you want from them.
This changed everything. When I stopped focusing on myself, a world of opportunities opened up: instead of hoping someone would approach me, I approached people and introduced myself. Instead of talking, I listened. Instead of excluding, I included. Instead of guarding my emotions and appearing stuck up, I tried to be open and friendly.
If someone seemed to genuinely not want my company I just moved on to the next person.
What a transformation! Focusing on others is actually incredibly empowering. When I was self-focused, I was dependent on the actions of others, and so I backed myself into a corner. But with my new mindset, I looked out at that crowd of people and saw nothing but opportunities. The ball was in my court.
I’d been transformed from social victim to social leader.
Pssst: A closing thought
People who meet me at events, have heard me speak, or listen to my podcast sometimes get the impression that I’m socially confident all the time.
But I’m just like you. I get nervous, I get shy, I feel awkward. I try things, and fall on my face. I say embarrassing things, and regret it later. Sometimes I go to an event and turn back into that nervous, shy guy.
If I’m doing anything “special” it’s this: I keep actively trying to improve the way I interact with others. I practice asking good questions (I honestly have fake conversations with myself in the car). And most importantly: I constantly remind myself that it’s not about me, it’s about others.
