All of Me

stuck in middle.

—Give me a few days…… . Then, I’ve been waiting for 1week.

Why I don’t ask again? There’s some reasons, but I just don’t want to disturb him basically. So, I wait. Very Japanese style, ‘BE PATIENT’. OK, laugh at me.

How long I’ve been spending my time for my visa issue…? Since I came back here, I often cry and get angry repeatedly, everyday. Today, I cried in the bed, in the bathtub, and at the kitchen. Things I wanted to do before such as buying a piece of cake and online shopping don’t make me happy at all, my 3 yrs old son who can’t go to school right now makes a lot of noise almost whole day everyday annoys me, makes me extremely tired, and I totally can not concentrate on my study.

I wrote a CV to get a job, and filled up my profile on LikedIn. I know it seems slightly difficult for me to find a job in Kuala Lumpur, because most of them require a person who graduated from university -yup, I tried to go there, but unbelievable things happened on me. I can not write about it now. This is a long long story.

I’ve been thinking like this ーpeople around me do not need me at all, or do not care at all. In Japanese, we may say ‘Mendoukusai（面倒くさい）’. It seems like I am just a ridiculous person or student. It seemed that I made this problem at my university. …..just sucked.

I definitely checked my visa problem with the visa office on campus. I still don’t understand why they didn’t explain more details or help me or give me a special pass which other students could get. Moreover, they’re saying ‘you can come back’, however how? I missed many classes, and they do not take their responsibility for it. I was so serious when I asked my visa issue, and I did what they said, and??? I came back in Tokyo now?! What is going on with me?

Why I’ve got so angry with this? Because I’ve got complex problems with my ex-husband, so that this is my last chance to get into university as a full time student.

Well, everyday I think about this, and every time I say to me ‘stop thinking about it’. However, somehow, After I came back in Tokyo, suddenly some people including my mother and my ex-boyfriends has sent some messages and said they want to see me. I know they just want to USE me, so that I ignored them. It made me mad. That’s one of the reasons that I was thinking about ‘Mendoukusai / an unwanted person’.

I’ve already known that I am so negative now, though there’ s no solution for my negative mind right now. One thing I can do is to have some beer or wine and get drunk — nope, I won’t. I’m gonna listen to the music, may be ‘All of Me’.

Jazzy night.