Holy Halloween Horror Story Batman!

(well…almost)

Having two boys means it’s mandatory that one day we’ll get to dress them as Batman and Robin for Halloween. I thought this would be the year. It would have been perfect because there is a window when it comes to dressing your kids as B&R. You want to do it before the younger one realizes how uncool Robin is. Since my youngest is just over 2 he has at least a couple of years left before he learns the lameness of boy wonder.

My wife informed me that one of her friends had both of the costumes and would gladly let us borrow them. Unfortunately we soon realized that our oldest would not be able to fit into the Batman costume as it was way to big. I was bummed out by this but my oldest soon cheered me up by deciding he wanted to be Captain America. Okay perhaps “deciding” wasn't the correct term. What do you call it when you provide gifts and incentives to your child in order you get them to agree to do something you think is important but they could care less? Oh that’s right, “parenting”.

So, a trip to Target, a Captain America Frisbee shield and a 12-inch Captain America action figure later my oldest was totally probably on board being Captain America for Halloween. So I informed my wife that we no longer needed to borrow either of the Dynamic Duo costumes.

She seemed puzzled at this news.

“Why can’t we still use the ‘Robin’ costume?” she asked. A laugh sort of fell out of me like it was climbing on my shoulders and it suddenly lost it’s balance. I assumed she was joking but the longer she stared at me the quicker my laughter began to turn into a confused nervous laugh. I realized that she wasn't kidding.

“Umm because Jack is going as Captain America.” I said in a matter-of-fact way. As if this simple sentence was all that was needed to be said and all who heard it uttered would understand immediately. What could she possible say to retort such a statement

“….So?!” my wife countered.

[NOTE: I know what you’re thinking. “Why not just buy a Batman costume for my oldest instead of a Captain America costume. By this time my brainwashing has worked so well on my oldest to try and reverse it would have caused irreparable damage to his little brain and possibly would have turned him off of comic book characters forever. It was a risk I couldn't take. END OF NOTE]

There was no more laughing now. Just an awkward silence as we both stared at each other. Perhaps, I pondered to myself, she did not hear me. I made the decision to repeat my previous sentence but this time slower so there was no longer a misunderstanding.

“Because…Jack…is…going…as…Captain…America…”

Suddenly I became very aware of all the white in my wife’s eyes. They also appeared much wider than usual. There was a slight flare of her nostrils and I noticed that her face was starting to get flush. She was reminding me of the Chicago Bulls logo and I wanted to tell her this but something inside of me stopped myself. It’s like the left-side of my brain just realized what is going on and was like, “Whoa whoa whoa! Okay pull over I’m driving now.”

I am blinking faster than normal

My wife must have noticed my facial expressions as my left brain took over. She’s seen this happen before and simply took a deep breath and asked “Why can’t HE just go as Robin?”. The tone and calmness in her voice camouflaged the fists of fury behind those words. I had to walk carefully now.

My strategy was sound. I was going to logically explain all the cons of subjecting our youngest to the shame of dressing like ‘Robin’ when there was no ‘Batman’ to accompany him.

Con #1: Someone is going to steal his candy. I don’t blame them either they should. Without Batman at his side Robin is just some dork in green and yellow tights with knack for alliteration.

Con #2: We love our son don’t we? Because people who love their children don’t dress them up as Robin (The same goes for Aquaman, C-3PO and any Winnie the Pooh character).

Con #3: What will our neighbors think? Will they think this is some sort of sadistic punishment for not eating his vegetables? Who does that to a 2 year old? Someone is going to call Child Services.

Con #4: What if he grows up to be this guy?

She did not appear swayed by any of my cons. In fact part of me doesn't think she believes dressing our son up as ‘Robin’ will have any lasting effects on him at all. Doesn't she understand we live in a world of camera phones and social media where one does not get to dress up as a solo ‘Robin’ and expect it to be forgotten.

Panic was starting to set in. I had no choice but to go with Plan C. With the grace of a horse on ice skates I started speaking again “You see…” my head was starting to spin and I don’t really remember my exact phrasing but I am sure the following sentence stumbled out in differing levels of volume: “You can’t have Robin and without a Batman. You can have a Batman with without a Robin but never the other way around. Just Robin? By himself? Just Robin without Batman? No Batman? No no no no no no no no”

If you were there it would have looked like this.

Much like Tom Cruise in “Rain Man” my wife was shocked, embarrassed and a little afraid by my reaction. She agreed to return the costumes if I got off the floor. She also agreed to let me pick out our youngest’s costume If I promised to never to bring this subject up ever again.

To which I said, “Holy WIN-WIN Batman!”