I am transgendered.
My Journey Accepting My Gender Identity
I have been my whole life. I was born with male sex organs but my mind has never conformed to societies stereotype. I am creative. I am compassionate. I am emotional. And I am a woman.
For as long as I can remember, I have loved all things feminine.
Growing up, no matter how much my father insisted, I couldn’t enjoy the boyish things. They never really appealed to me. I certainly tried to do the things he wanted and I typically failed miserably. I was much more interested in creative things: Pretending; Singing; Drawing; Dressing up; Acting. These were all outlets that let me express myself in ways that I never felt I could doing boy things.
Throughout my school years, I never really friended other boys. I was always trying to be friends with girls. In my youngest school years, this led to awkwardness and the occasionally bullying. If I tried to play with the boys, they made fun of me for not being any good at their games. If I tried to play with the girls, they made fun of me for being a boy and wanting to play with them. It was painful and often left me playing alone or not playing at all.
At the same time, I was beginning to realize that I had a love of women’s clothing. My younger sister was in ballet and I recall being around 11 years old the first time I ever took one of her costumes and tried it on. It was an exhilarating feeling looking at my shapeless form in the mirror and feeling like a little girl. I was terrified that someone would come home or catch me.
It became a habit to sneak outfits and clothing away for me to wear secretly. I eventually found that my mother had some lingerie — just some lace night gowns — that I absolutely adored. Any time I was alone at home, I would take one of the gowns out and put it on. I would lay in my bed or prance around the room, being carefree and playful, feeling like I was expressing myself in a way I could privately.
But that was always the extent of it. I knew that I could dress and act this way in private, but I could never be open about it. Back then, I didn’t know what transgender was or that people could change their gender. I was too sheltered to realize that I even could be stuck in a male body.
One of the first connections I really made was when I was in high school. I was always a companion for shopping with girl friends and they always seemed to value my opinions. It was during one of these shopping trips that I suddenly realized that I was jealous of them, but why? As I tried to puzzle it out, I realized that I envied them in their clothes and the way they looked. I envied their bodies and their curves. As I counted all the ways I envied them, I realized that the reason I had these feelings was really because I wanted to be one of them. I was enjoying the shopping because I was living my life through them, or at least what I desired for my life.
By the time I moved out of my parents house at 18, I still really wasn’t sure about who I was. I know that I had a love of feminine things; I had gone out and replaced all of my underwear and sleep clothes with women’s apparel my first night in my own apartment. It was a small step, but it started me down a path that eventually helped me discover who I was.
It’s been a tough road to discover who I am, but I’m ready to take the next step.
Making my decision to transition has not been easy. For the past few years, I’ve tried to find every possible excuse not to do so.
Some of the excuses included that I might lose my job, I would lose the love and support of my family, my spouse would leave me, and even thinking that mixing my male and female self would lead to no longer being able to enjoy being female. The fears I fabricated were strong enough to keep my dysphoria and desires buried.
Now, I’ve faced most of those fears and come to terms with their consequences. So far, it’s been incredibly difficult, but I recognize that the challenges are really only beginning.
For the past 3 years, I’ve periodically expressed myself as Caroline. I had always cross dressed somehow for as long as I could remember, but stresses in my life led me to seek an outlet. Cross dressing was that outlet.
I was able to become someone else, disconnect from my reality, and pretend I was the woman I’d always wanted to be. For the brief time that I was Caroline, I felt tremendous happiness and relief. It during those times that the questions in my mind really started to surface. Was I transgendered?
Having grown up in a religious and conservative family down South, I was particularly sheltered. It wasn’t until high school that I even knew people could change their gender. Even then, I still couldn’t fathom the idea of me ever transitioning. My family would have rejected me. They would hate me. I couldn’t put them through that. So I did what many do, I buried any questions or emotions I had and locked them away. It led to me being rebellious, emotional, and particularly stupid.
Once I left home, and moved to California, I started to recognize that the society around me was far more forgiving and possibly even accepting of people that were different. It was sensing this openness that helped me to venture out into public as Caroline. I went shopping, out to dinner, to sing karaoke, and even to the movies. Each experience was nerve racking, but they became easier each time.
As the experiences flooded me with emotions, the questions I had grew stronger. I still denied myself the satisfaction of really facing any of them. At that stage, I’d come out to my wife and her immediate response was to allow me cross dress, but made it very clear that she wouldn’t be able to stay with me if I transitioned. While I completely understood where she was coming from, it really made me want to push aside the questions even more.
And so I continued with my make-believe time playing dress up.
It was fulfilling in many ways, and the practice and experience from dressing up, going out, and passing really helped me prepare for my transition. I honestly don’t think that I could have ever been prepared to make my decision to transition had I not gained the courage and confidence from my experiences cross dressing.
There was a turning point just over a year ago. I had become a regular shopper at the local Lane Bryant and was asked by the manager if I would would be interested in helping her organize a private shopping event for people like myself. Her acceptance of me was so empowering.
Over the next several weeks, I came to accept a part time job working at her store as Caroline. I didn’t do it for the money — I had a full-time job working in Silicon Valley — but I couldn’t turn down the opportunity to live and work for even the weekends as who I felt I was.
That experience really started to unlock the recesses where I’d buried my questions and fears.
After the start of the year, I ended my role there as a seasonal employee and closed my closet for the next 6 months. I was terrified. All of these fears and questions were now burning at the front of my mind. I now knew what it felt like to be accepted by others as a woman. I had passed among strangers. It was a wonderful feeling, but how could I possibly accept myself?
I spent that time trying to think of a way that I could just put an end to my dysphoria. Surely there had to be some magic switch that could just make me more masculine. I started a weight loss program and lost over 50 pounds, not just because I wanted to be healthier, but I thought my weight and happiness might be related. And while I certainly looked and felt better after losing all that weight, it didn’t change my feelings of dysphoria.
I also tried to bury myself in my work. There was plenty that needed to be done and I was certainly capable. I spent 80+ hours a week working. I was insanely productive and was recognized and rewarded for my efforts, but I was only trying to occupy my mind and escape from what truly must be addressed.
It was a few months ago that I opened up to a co-worker about my secret. I already had known he was gay and had been told by a mutual friend that how wonderfully accepting he was. After opening up to him and talking about our mutual friend, he invited me to go to a movie night and let me get ready at his home. He and his partner took me to the movies where we met with several other girls like me.
I had opened the closet door.
So over the past few months, I started trying to face my fears and answer those burning questions. It wasn’t easy, and there are some still left unanswered, but at least now I’m prepared to deal with whatever challenges arise.
I have spoken with the wonderful folks in our Human Resources department. They have assured me that I won’t lose my job if I decide to transition. They’ll work with our workforce to educate them and coach them through how to handle my transition. They’ll support me however they can. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that my financial foundation and career won’t crumble beneath me as I walk down the path I’ve chosen.
My spouse and I have also come to terms with my decision. She will stand by my side as my best friend through my transition. She will love and support me however she can. It’s tough to lose her as my wife, but ultimately it is what we both needed. We recognize that neither of us would be at the place we are in our lives had we not been there for each other up to this point.
I also realized that my concerns about sharing the stress and frustration of my male life with my female persona is just something that I have to face. I can’t shield myself and any illusion I created to the contrary was just that.
At this point, I’m just beginning to speak with a gender therapist. We’ll work out all the remaining questions, talk about the risks and challenges I face, and how to handle it all. I still have to face my family, a step that I can’t imagine will go well, but it’s just going to have to be about me. They will have to chose whether they will accept me for who I am or not, but that’s their decision, not mine.
The road ahead of me is still very much shaded, but I can see there is a light at the end and I know that I’ll one day be standing in that light as the woman I truly am.
