Naming Children

Slapping them in the face before they can even speak.

The entirety of Starbuck’s mantra is built upon the name business. If you visit a location more the once and with some tempo of regularity, their staff will likely remember your name. The combination of caffeine and a neighborly feel keeps customers coming back. Of course there are a few that don’t remember your name, but they have seen your face. That’s okay, they make up for it by squinting and tilting their head as if they’re racking every neuron in their brain to recall your name. “What is your name again?” they force form their strained voice box as if they had heard it 1,000 times. Some of this is associative anxiety which is a different topic all together. It’s okay squints, I’ll let it pass this time. This is a secondary issue to the topic of this article.

The other day, I visited the Starbucks that is nearest to my work. It’s within walking distance. I prefer the independently owned antique cafes myself however the civil engineering of downtown Nashville doesn’t favor a timely walk to one of those caffeine havens (Crema-for those looking). I frequent this location and the staff knows me well at this point. That was until earlier this week, there was a trainee managing the cash register. Wide eyed and scared for her life, she took my multisyllabic order as if I had a bomb strapped to my body. Seeing as it was likely her first day, she had no idea who I was or what my name was. “What is your name sir?” She asked in docile tone. “Kyle Castro” I hollered confidently, knowing they don’t care about my last name (I always say my full name. It’s a nasty habit from my college days). And then I was slapped with some harsh reality. Unexpectedly she retorted “Kyle? How do you spell that?” I was more than taken back.

It wasn’t that she asked for my name. There’s no reason she would have known my name unless they keep a registry under the counter next to the sugar packets. But how to spell Kyle? I’ve never thought to spell it any other way. It’s your prototypical four letter name. Anguished, I spelled it out loud. “K-Y-L-E”. She takes my payment and hands my card back. Vexed, I go straight to my smartphone and search the spellings of my traditional, Yiddish name. As it turns out, there are a few, somewhat common variations of my name. Some took the low road and replaced the Y with an I. Kile. Others spell it Kyel-this has to be a mistake?

I went in for a cup of coffee and I left fuming at the fact that there is a small minority of parents who are jerks for how they named their children. You may be reading this and thinking “why is this guy so upset over such a small thing?” A name is everything. Those who have been victimized by this atrocity understand it. All of the questions and unnecessary conversations that stem from it. From kindergarten on. “How do you spell that?” “How is that pronounced?” Pain. Anguish.

After reflecting on this, I’ve identified a few categories for those who decide to take creative license when naming their children.

1.)Bible names-Like Jazz, there’s a handful of classic standards. I think Caleb, Micah-both easy to pronounce and can lead to a decent living for children with these names. However there are some that like to see how many syllables they can pack onto a birth certificate. Arpachshad. Try to say that. How’d that go? My unofficial rule on bible names is: count the syllables in the name. Multiply that times 10,000 and that’s the amount of unnecessary conversations your child will have In life because you dug a little deeper into the Old Testament than everyone else.

2.)Modified Misspellings- Kyel, Zax (deviation of Zach), Jayke, Ashlee. These are real modifications. Your child may never recover from how many people they have to spell their name out loud. The DMV is bad enough.

3.)Add On’s-I worked with a guy named Kyler once. He was my enemy. His parents added an ER to the end of my name and sent him out into this cruel world. Not Tyler, not Kyle. Kyler.

4.)Defy Humanity Names-My boss in high school went to school with some 70’s lifers named Moon-Unit and China-Cat. Last week, a friend of mine met a child named America. 60 minutes did a special on a lady who couldn’t get an office job because her name was Marijuana. These are intentional roadblocks placed in peoples lives just because their parents decided they were artists when it comes to naming their children.

5.)Name Association- This is a little less critical compared to the ones above. These are names that differ from person to person. In first grade, I was bitten by a kid so hard that I bled. His name was Kevin. Therefore, I don’t typically get along with Kevin’s. You have these too. We need to give these folks a break. It’s not every Kevin’s fault that I have baby teeth shaped scars on my forearm.

These are a few. I would love to hear your name stories or potential categories.

Please do us and your potential children a favor. Stick to the basics when you name your kids. We’ll all save a few breaths.