The List

(thanks to Medium’s Luke E… this was recovered. Thanks, Luke!)

I’m 16 years old.

My dad told me not to worry about not having had a girlfriend, but think about *the* girl. Not if… when. He tells me I need to make a List.

On my list I should write all the essential qualities I want in a woman. I’m sure that “pretty” went on the top of that list unless I was too insecure in my lady-attracting powers to be so bold. I write a few qualities that matter, things whose converse I know I detest:

Funny.
Smart.
Gets along with grown-ups.
Gets along with kids.
Kind.
Not selfish.
Loves God.

My dad tells me that if I find myself drawn to a girl who doesn't match my list, I should run, not walk the other way.

A year later, I am with my very first girlfriend, praying that against all my abilities to screw it up, we will somehow manage to be right for one another (I am aware I am out of my league). It is going well. I forget about the List.

—————————————————————————————————————

Two years go by and I get frustrated and a little afraid. In a serious relationship, you learn that even as humble and self-deprecating as you think you are, you really have no idea how immature and ill-equipped you are to really love someone and accept them. She’s not perfect. And I am very, very broken. This is a lot of work and I am still pretty sure she’ll bail because I think that’s what people should do to me. But I hang on because I love her and while she seems to really get me, she still loves me.

I remember something else my dad says:

“Don’t marry someone you can live with; marry someone you can’t live without.”

Another year and I propose with a ring. We book a church. My dad asks me about my List. Did I make a list, he wants to know.

He knows my fiancee, likes her and is super proud of her. And he is supportive of me. So he’s bold enough to ask about his advice. He knows I won’t be offended. Especially since, I found the list being used as a bookmark in a beat-up Bible and…

“Yes”, I say. “She matches it exactly.” My dad tells an abbreviated version of the story at my wedding and blesses us. ———————————————————————————————————————

It’s been twelve and a half years since he told this story. During this time and up to now, I get asked sometimes by younger men for dating advice. I tell them to make a List and give it more thought and moxie than I gave mine. My wife is all that I wanted and lots more:

Funny.
Smart.
Gets along with grown-ups.
Gets along with kids.
Kind.
Not selfish.
Loves God.
Generous.
Creative.
Loyal.
Intense.
Passionate.
Brave.
Longsuffering.
Resilient.
Tender.

And yes, beautiful.