Why Planning My Suicide was the Best Thing Happened to Me
If God wanted us to take our own life, he would have provided a power-off button
Everytime I hear the word ‘Suicide’ it brings back the memories my college days. I was 17 years old when I first seriously committed suicide. I was an average kid when it came to studies but like every Indian family I was always expected to score good marks. I was an ”IIT aspirant” like most of the kids from my town. For Indian fathers engineering is considered as the safest field to be at where after 4years of graduation we get a decent job with a decent salary. Being a teenager I was always attracted to foreign countries especially America as seen in the movies. I used to dream about me living in such a country with my girlfriend where I had access to great lifestyle and opportunities. That’s when I went crazy for the SATs. After considering all my options and discussing with my family I started preparing for SATs along with IIT-JEE but after couple of months ended up only concentrating on my SAT. This is where all it began.
After my SAT-1 I began preparing for the level-2. My dad’s concern increased seeing me only prepare for the SAT as JEE approached. At our regular family meeting everyone decided to tell me how they feel about the time I waste after the stupid SAT and how I should concentrate only on the Indian engineering entrance exams. After several attempts of making them understand and countless numbers of argument over the same topic I decided to study for it secretly. At day I used to study for the JEE and during the nights when everyone slept I studied for the SAT in my kitchen light as off course that was the only place where no one slept.
After few days they knew what I was actually doing and how I still wanted to go for the same.
Consulting with few institutes about the exam they decided to take me to one of their friend where they could brain wash me with all the stories about the unsuccessful students who came back from USA and all the fraud foreign Universities. After reaching the height of frustration they hid my books so that I won’t be able to find them and took me to various motivational classes as I can now focus on my regular engineering exams. With my books gone and left disappointed I only a had girlfriend to rely on because my friends never took the matter seriously. This is a trend in our country when we try to do something different from others we are often referred to as ‘Saala Chutiya’. When I expected my girlfriend to be with me, I found out that she is cheating on me over some other guy.
Naturally, this led to the fight between both of us and a break up eventually. I believe there are two phases a person goes through after a serious break up. First one is where you try to get back to your partner where you feel like you are incomplete without her and as a result you end up calling-messaging her so many times that she has to involve her brother to break you up. This was the period when my mom found out about my girlfriend when she read the message of a guy abusing me for disturbing her sister who told me to stay away from her . As it turns out this was the only phase that I experienced so I never knew what the other phase was.
With my parents devastated and feeling guilty about what I put everyone to throughout the year I decided to take my own life. I planned to do it in the evening with a Duppata around my neck tied to the ceiling fan and my note next to me. I wrote a very long emotional suicide note-a day prior to my scheduled departure where I mentioned how sorry I was for letting everyone down and how I couldn’t take it anymore. As soon as I was done with the letter I put it inside my bag. After couple of hours my mom came to check my bag for any suspicious items like extra sim card, cell phone as I believe at that point I was completely unworthy of their trust. I tried to stop her but she later found out the note.
Life is beautiful, make something worth out of it
After lots of tension build up in the room and seeing my mother cry I realized I made a horrible mistake. When you are in the state of depression all the thoughts rush into you together. You feel like you have lost everything in the world. Your body becomes numb. Constant tears flow out from your eyes and all you can think of is “what if you can take it all back and wish that nothing would have changed”.
Every second seems like a minute when you want that moment to pass by. That’s when it all made sense.
This moment become the turning point of my life. Suddenly all the stories from my motivational classes popped into my head. I began to realise every mistake I made. The reason my father didn’t want me to leave India so soon. My possessive nature which made my girlfriend leave me. Every piece was finally falling into the right place. This moment made me realise what I had to do now in order to make everything right again. You feel the transformation inside you, turning into a mature person wanting to fix things up. You are able to differentiate between good and bad. It makes you realise if things don’t work out between you and your partner then you probably need to move on to fulfill the bigger purpose of your life. My suicide made me realise things I have been missing in life. It changed me completely almost instantly with a big picture of a better further inside me.
So what was the purpose of the story after all? Many young ones face similar kind of problems often leading to deaths because sometimes the pressure gets too much with nobody to care and understand around. From our side we can lookout for such people who are looking for a support to get back on in life. Maybe someday you will be someone’s hero for helping that person get back on his foot and help prevent the frequent amount of suicide happening around you.
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