Best Friends, Friends Forever
In my 28 years of life, I’ve been lucky not to have to go through a romantic heartbreak. But over the last couple of years, I’ve been going through a different type of heartbreak — the heartbreak of losing a best friend.
And even though I can’t compare the two, it feels like this heartbreak is worse because it feels like no one can relate to me. This is not a friend that I’ve known for a few years; this is a friend I’ve known my whole life. In fact, I don’t remember a time when I didn’t know her. She was like a sister to me, so losing that has been extremely hard to wrap my head around.
The last time I saw and truly spoke to this friend was at my wedding in October 2021, and unfortunately, since then, we haven’t had a relationship; the part that hurts the most is I don’t know why.
I’ve tried to reach out a couple of times to show that I miss her and tell her I hope she’s doing ok, and it hasn’t seemed like she’s felt the same. The hardest part is that my family is still close to her, so I have to hear from them about how she’s doing instead of hearing firsthand like I used to.
I wish I knew if there was something I did or if it’s just our almost 25 years of being friends has naturally come to an end. Part of me is afraid to ask because while I’ve lived the last couple of years without this relationship, I don’t think I’m fully ready to mourn it and say goodbye.
From my perspective, we had a blast at my wedding. She was my maid of honor and gave a heartwarming speech about our friendship. She even gave me my “something borrowed". When we were young we got necklaces that said “Best” and “Friends" and bracelets that said “Friends” and “Forever". When we wore them together it would say Best Friends, Friends Forever. I’m not sure what happened to my half of the jewelry but before I walked down the aisle she gave me her half of the bracelet (the half that said forever) to wear. I couldn’t believe she still had that and I remember feeling like that was the perfect item to be borrowed. Unfortunately I’ve never been able to give it back.
Over the last two years, I’ve cried countless times over this friendship. From being angry that she doesn’t want to talk to me to upset that she feels like she can’t open up to me, to annoyed feeling like it’s easy for her to move on, to sad thinking about all the great memories we’ve shared and how we may never make new ones.
The other day was my birthday and it was the first time since being friends I didn’t hear from her. Our birthdays are six months apart, and we used to wish each other “Happy Birthday” and “Happy Half Birthday” every year on each other’s birthday. When we were children we thought this meant we were half-sisters and it was one of the reasons we initially got super close. The fact that this tradition of ours is over hurts the most because it feels like this is when I need to accept that maybe the friendship is finally done even though I don’t want to. And that’s why I’m finally writing all this because it’s been plaguing me for years, and I think I have to accept it’s time to let go.
I will always have a shred of hope that we can have some relationship again, but if not and if my friend ever reads this, I hope she knows I will always love her and care for her and I will always miss her.
