Where are you from?
I hate that question.
I don’t understand the concept of only belonging to one place, or be tied to one printed piece of paper that states what I can call home. This wasn’t always the case, growing up in India we didn’t move around much until I was a teenager. But once we started moving, be it for a better job, better schools or just a better life, the moving hasn’t stopped. As I graduated and got a job and moved to a different city, I didn’t realise how deeply one’s identity is tied to where we ‘think’ we are from, vs where we actually are ‘born’ or legally call home.
Initially when asked that question, the response that “I’m from India” used to be easy, after-all, that’s all I knew growing up. It was only when I moved to Seattle to pursue post-graduate studies and eventually got a job there that that notion of ‘identity’ started shifting. I went through a phase of adapting to this big change, my answer slowly started shifting.
Every big change comes with periods of shock, adjustment, adaptation etc, all of which contributes to who you are as a person. To make it easier to articulate this, lets use the stages defined by Kuber-Ross’s change curve of adaptation. When I was in the Frustration or Depression part of the change curve, I found my answers to be defensive, and comparative. For instance, I would reply with, “Ah, I miss the weather back in Mumbai, it’s almost always balmy 30C back home”, or “Not a lot of Indian places to eat here huh”.
As time passed, got the degree, got a good job and my wife and me started finding a rhythm to the city, its people and its life. A lot of different ingredients have to come together for you to call a place home. Going through the post-graduate program and struggling to get a job wasn’t easy, we struggled through financially as students for a few years, not knowing whether we’ll be able to pay the skyrocketing student debt we were accumulating, or next month’s rent. Getting through those experiences, the friends we made along the way, the walks along the Puget Sound watching the sunset, celebrating the small wins with dollar store goodies; All added up to a feeling of belonging. Seattle was now home, even though we didn’t realise it at the time.
That experience also gave us some of the most cherished relationships in friends, mentors and teachers that we’ve ever had. People, especially good ones are hard to find. When all those ingredients begin to align, the definition of ‘home’ starts to shift. We were probably at the ‘Experimentation’ phase of that change curve. Comfortable with the environment and people, enough to try out new experiences, see what else the city has to offer. Now when someone asked me that question, my confident answer from before started to have wobbly feet. “Umm, well, I’m from India originally, but I’ve been in Seattle now for 4 years.” Almost reasoning with myself that I’m now ‘from’ Seattle.
The question gets really annoying when you’re in the Integration phase of the change. Toward the 5th and 6th year in Seattle, we got more and more integrated with the life there. Planning on the future, looking at homes, etc. It happened slowly, but one day, we just realised that we felt as attached to this city as we had Mumbai where I had spent close to 10 years of my life. But now that question was very difficult to answer. My answers at this moment were something like “Right now I’m from Seattle, in Ballard actually”, and then I would pause, watch the person squirm a little :D
As I went through this, I realised that I had gone through this once before, when I moved from northern India to Mumbai. Given the many many different cultures, religions, languages in India, I would end up being very much a foreigner in Mumbai, who did not speak the native language, looked different enough to be asked the question multiple times. But at the time I was kid, and didn’t really care much.
As if going through that change a couple of times wasn’t enough, we are doing this again. This time we are in Sydney, Australia. Different place, different people, but the question remains the same. For now I’m in the “I’m from Seattle” phase :) Soon enough hopefully we will progress to the “I’m from freakin’ right here” phase, and I can’t wait to say that!
Afterthought: Maybe a better question to ask someone could be, “Where is home for you?” or “What’s your story?”
It decouples the person’s origin from their perceived home, which could have a lot more meaning to them, and could lead to a great conversation for you.
