Labor of Love
Sometimes, I don’t like my baby. Does that make me a bad mother?
Even the most uncomplicated pregnancy is hard and exhausting. Then, labor and birth are no easy feat. I was so caught up in making sure these went smoothly that I never thought about actually having to care for another human being. And that too a really tiny helpless one, who can only communicate via crying.
And. It. Is. Exhausting.
Mind-numbingly, soul-crushingly exhausting. The baby needs to be taken care of 24/7 (duh!) even when I can’t take another second of her inconsolable crying; or when I have a dry throat but can’t reach for the water bottle because I’m holding her; or when I can’t keep my eyes open for even a second longer at 4 am; or when she refuses to feed; or when my arm is sore or asleep from holding her; or when I have to keep rocking her at 7 am; or when I can only cry out of sheer frustration.
In just these three-to-four ‘short’ months, there have been many, many frustrating moments. So it is very easy to crave a break, to think about how I would be facing none of these situations if only I didn’t have a baby! (I can hear people gasping.)
And yet. Yet.
I can’t even finish the thought, let alone actually imagine a situation where I don’t have this bundle of (sometimes) joy. But the thing no one seems to understand is that just because I don’t like my baby at times, doesn’t mean I don’t love her. I’m going to make it in bold and type it again, bigger, because it can’t be said or understood enough.
Just because I don’t like my baby at times, doesn’t mean I don’t love her.
That, ladies and gentlemen, parents and non-parents, is a truth that mothers/parents often don’t express because of the fear of being judged. Because how can you not like your own baby? Don’t you realize how blessed you are? They are only this young once. Because, of course, being this physically and mentally exhausted all the time is such a dream.
Here’s the thing: parents need to be not shamed for their feelings. They should be allowed to express how they feel, to vent, to rant, whatever, so that such thoughts don’t fester and create other problems, God forbid. They should know their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to feel this way. That they just need a break and get back in the game.
Parenting is hard as it is. Don’t make it harder.
So yes, I sometimes don’t like my baby. But I don’t think I can love anyone else like I love her.
I loved her from the moment I knew about her, when she wasn’t even a her yet. I loved her the moment I laid eyes on this scrawny, little, swollen thing, trying to hold her and holding my tears back at the same time.
I love her as she looks at me, directly into my eyes — reaching my soul, it seems — and smiles. Oh, that smile! I could die for it.
I love her when she giggles. Or talks to me in her special language. The way she snuggles up into my neck. Or tries to climb up my stomach. The list is endless but this is the easy part.
Love takes effort when you get up in the middle of the night to feed your baby. Or wake up early in the morning to feed them again. Love takes effort when you have to change those never-ending kinda-smelly nappies and wipe those bums. Love takes effort when you’re tired of carrying your child but they’re still cranky and won’t be put down. Love takes effort when your body aches but you continue to hold and walk your baby. Love takes effort when your baby cries from the extreme discomfort of GERD and all you want is a moment of silence. Love takes effort when you’ve exhausted all options, when you can’t think of what else can be wrong with the baby, when you’re at the end of your rope, but you have to find the energy and willpower to continue; and repeat the whole shebang the next day. The list is endless.
The labor of love is difficult but it is one parents are ready to do. So give some breathing space to parents (including me!) before you judge them, even (and especially) if you don’t agree with their parenting philosophy.
And LL, whether I like you or not, I will always love you. Seriously.
