An Interview at The Gau Rakshaks Club

Hi Everyone myself Manoj and I want to be Gau Rakshak

A chorus of self righteous voices cry Hi Manoj

I’m new here and I’m usually a little nervous about speaking in front of a group of people but I know its much easier with you guys because we all have similar dreams and goals. I know you all will make me feel very welcome once you feel that I am worthy enough to be a part of your esteemed club. I heard Atul was very nervous when he first got here, Atul is the one who told me to be here today, but you made him feel so at home so I was very encouraged to come. He told me with my track record of dalit beating I would be a shoe in. Nothing says comfort like a group of men talking about taking the law into their own hands. As per the rules of the club I have left my shoes and soul outside.

I am currently working with my dad in the fields and taking care of the cattle. I don’t do much of the work to be honest as my dad does most of it so I have plenty of free time to hang out with you guys. I don’t have much in the way of entertainment apart from making sure no boys look at my sister and making fun of the cripple, so this group will really alleviate some of the boredom. Last month to stay entertained I beat up some women because I heard they had a mobile phone, I even went after some Christians but that got old really fast. It comes to a point where I’m beating up my third Joseph of the month and I think ‘is this all? am I really doing anything substantial for my nation?’ That’s when I heard about what you guys were doing and I felt that this where my passion truly lies.

I love cows because I’ve loved cow based products my whole life. I fought my sisters everyday for that extra glass of milk. Why do girls need nutrition anyway? its not like they need the energy, who are they going to beat up to serve the nation? But cows are not only to be loved but respected and worshipped for their bovine majesty. I also love cows because in loving them I can in good conscience hate others who don’t.

Some times I have moments of doubt, maybe cows are aren’t as important as say another human being. But I push away such wicked thoughts and do an hour of yoga watching some of my favourite Baba Ramdev tapes. That quickly restores my faith in cow divinity and I am good as gold.

People call you criminals and maybe that should make me cautious about joining your group, but is it criminal to believe in the magical powers of cow piss? I think not! I hope you can see me as a trusted ally, fellow ruffian and friend. For I am ready to take down all these cattle smuggling beef eating non believers. These cow hating cretins. I am ready, I have polished my trusty lathi so its extra sparkly today just so you guys could see how serious I am. You are working toward a cow cruelty free world and you are taking down one minority at a time, if people don’t rally behind this model I don’t know who will! So please consider me, Manoj, a viable candidate as I really feel like I belong here and would like to dispense mob justice with you.