Who Is Special?
For as long as I can remember, I knew I was different. Something inside of me said, “I am different, I am unique, I am special. Therefore, I deserve love.” That sense of my uniqueness has always urged me to resist conformity, yet it also created a sense of disconnection in that I felt that I just didn’t “fit in.”
Standing apart from the crowd can incur great social costs. Other people often seemed to instinctively sense my standoffishness and usually responded with some version of, “Who do you think you are, that you’re better than the rest of us?”
And yet I never once met anyone who said, “I’m just like everyone else and I want to be a clone (or a drone).” No, just the opposite — “I want to feel special.”
Here is what I think might be happening. Something deep inside each of us knows, “I am an individual, I am unique, I am (one of) God’s chosen one(s).” I am special.
Then the ego hears this, puffs out its chest and declares, “YES! And — the rest of you are NOT.”
The ego is very quick to realize, as George Carlin quite hilariously incorporated into his routine, if everyone is special, “the whole idea loses all its fuckin’ meaning!”
“I’m special, and you’re not” seems to be the driving force in the lives of many of us. Certainly, it’s a key reason why so many people around the world insist on monogamy in their long-term relationships and sometimes punish transgressors so harshly. When someone we love shares an intimate connection with another human being, the vast majority of us react violently — emotionally, if not physically, as well — because what could be more threatening to our status as “special”?
It’s not just in our romantic relationships that this idea asserts itself. It’s a big part of our economy, too. Companies compete to prove how special they and their creations are. Executives and other employees within those companies compete to distinguish themselves as especially valuable. Entire nations jockey for position in the world economy as exceptional. We Americans proclaim explicitly our exceptionalism.
So, what does all of this have to do with love? The first obvious answer is that we all think of those we love as special. If you don’t believe your child is special, for example, most people will think there’s something wrong with you, feel sorry for your child, and maybe even find ways to punish you as an “unfit” parent.
A less obvious answer might be this: Love recognizes the ways in which each person is special without destroying the meaning of the word. Love allows you to see that you are special, and, by extension, everyone else is special.
Looking with love, it’s clear to me that I am unique, I am special, and I am chosen by God — and if that can be true of me, given everything my ego knows about why I don’t deserve it, then why wouldn’t the same be true of you, too? In God’s eyes, it would. Parents who have more than one child are able quite easily to love each child and to consider each of them special. The specialness of one doesn’t make it impossible for any other to be special, whether you have two children or ten. If it did, wouldn’t we all just stop after one child? “Sorry, honey, we can’t have any more kids because this one is special, so that one available spot for ‘special’ is already taken.” Has anyone ever made that argument?
Love allows us to see what is special about each individual, yet never forces us to restrict our affection and appreciation arbitrarily. This is a paradox that dwells in the realm of God — we can, indeed, ALL be special in our own unique ways without robbing the word of its whole meaning.
NOTE: The first 3 chapters were published to Medium on 7/12/17. Further chapters will be published every Wednesday until the complete book is available here. Thank you for reading! If you would like access to the entire book without delay, please look for the paperback, Kindle, and Audible versions on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/This-Love-You-Kimberly-Carlton/dp/0692718079/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1499881330&sr=8-11&keywords=this+love+is+for+you
