So, here’s to you. 

I have been meaning to pen my thoughts down, everything that I have ever thought, everything that I had ever wished I said and everything I wished I did not say or do. But I don’t know where to begin.

If anyone asked me now, what I want out of this.. I would just say I want things to be like they used to. Because despite every fucking thing that happened, I just wished maybe things could still be the same. But I’m tired, I am tired of holding on when despite everything I know I will never have a place in your heart.

Sometimes, I wish you could see how much it hurt me to hold on. I know you said to just give up and walk away, you probably can do that better than I do. But I can’t. And when I read what you wrote, it just breaks me into pieces because while you were waiting for her to give a fuck, I am here trying to make things work. But you don’t see it, you don’t see me for what I have done, you rather let me walk right out and now we just don’t even talk.

I try to make an effort, because if we are not right for each other as partners, I thought we were amazing as friends. But that could be just me. I don’t know what’s on your mind, I wish one day I would have enough courage to risk everything and just talk to you about this all.To ask why you just left without a sound, why we don’t talk…is it because you just could not be bothered? Well, it sure seems like that.

And at this point, I keep telling myself and reminding myself that with the state of (I am not even sure if a friendship is what you can call it) friendship that I have already lost you. We don’t talk at all but the thing was when I call you, you’ll pick up and … I don’t know what it is.

You have always been someone I turn to for support, and in times of need, you’re one of the first few persons that comes to mind. And I know I can rely on you.

If I knew that when I said yes 2 years ago, it would lead to this I would never would have said yes. And I know all that bull crap when people said you learn from these experiences, and yes, I learnt a lot from it. But I rather not learn it this way, not when I have to sacrifice what we had. I rather not loved and cared for you, I rather us stay as friends, and that is all that it should ever be.