Honest Take On My Pregnancy!
Pregnancy and Motherhood made me question everything I held dearly in life and gave me altogether new perspectives and realigned priorities.
Given the complexities involved, it’s safe to say childbirth is a herculean task, but little did I know what it entails. No, am not just talking about the infamous mood swings, hormonal changes, weight gain, and stretch marks, of course, often these are the topics that get discussed in most forums. But Jesus, how I wish someone had given me an honest outlook and helped me prepare mentally, emotionally, and physiologically for the mammoth of changes that usually occur in a female body during pregnancy. For many women pregnancy and motherhood are an absolute delight, well at least for most of the times. But some mothers also experience worry, guilt, anxiety, fear, frustration and insecurities while dealing with the same. And am here to share one such later experience, the course of my pregnancy.
My Journey!
In late 2020 my partner and I decided to grow our family when the world believed that the covid chaos was finally over. I was pregnant by Jan 2021. I thought I would be on cloud nine since we waited for 6+ years and finally, it’s here happening to us. But strangely I was scared, it was a rollercoaster of emotions within me and I didn’t know what to expect then. My partner on the other hand was truly on cloud nine!
Our family and friends were euphoric at our blessing, and my partner and I were in bliss for the next month, till mid of my first trimester. The next couple of months were quite rough for me however, I had terrible morning sickness which in my case lasted throughout the day. Even if I drank water, I had to rush to the washroom to get it out of my system, yes it was that bad — no exaggeration. I had to endure this till the end of my second trimester. I kind of ate almost nothing, and was surviving on fruits, nuts, and milk. I was tired ALL THE TIME. I slept for 20 hours straight every day during my initial weeks of pregnancy. I had nil interest in stuff happening around me because, for the first time in my life I felt so helpless with the way my body behaved. For the fact that it did not listen to me, I felt completely helpless.
I was feeling dizzy most of the time, not to forget my shortness of breath all the time due to the increased air movement in my lungs, which is quite common for some women during pregnancy. Insomnia was another issue I had, starting mid of the second trimester. I also had gestational diabetes, which was managed by tweaking my diet as suggested by my doc (I knew friends who had to take insulin dosage twice a day and some who even went on having seizures) and had Placenta Praevia, a low-lying placenta which possesses many complications and potential risks and I was asked to be on complete rest and not to indulge in any forms of exercises, even walking for some period. It was a handful or maybe I was hypersensitive but in both cases, the pain was real.
Managing My Work!
I was working full-time from home during my entire course pregnancy and had to manage my health and work deliverables simultaneously. Though I was lucky to have a great manager and an understanding team, my pregnancy in no way came as a showstopper because I didn’t want it to be. I proved to be a valuable team member by solving critical project impediments, without which our delivery would have been delayed considerably.
It was a couple of weeks before my delivery due date and once during my handover discussion, I heard one insensitive remark from a senior stakeholder of the project saying, “It must be fun for you to get a long maternity break, while for the rest us it’s business as usual”. I was stunned at the inconsiderate comment made by a well-educated person working in one of the top MNC. I guess he didn’t have the slightest clue about how a female body works overtime time, pushing beyond its limits in creating a new human. Tackling bias towards expecting and new mothers in the workplace is altogether a different pain.
My Physical Changes During Pregnancy!
Overall, I had put on 21 kgs in 10 months, going from small/medium to XXL size. My boob size increased from 34 C to 40 D and I had constant pain in my boobs. A vertical line over my belly and stretch marks all over my body. Had a mask of pregnancy, visible tanning and extremely dried skin. Got muscle pull in my legs and feet, almost every morning during the last 2 months. Increased sense of smell and emotions. Food aversions, cravings, and swelling of feet among many other bodily changes.
I took the effort to pen down the less spoken aspects of pregnancy in the hope that someday we get to normalise talking about it openly in a forum without taboo. Cause honestly, I never came across any such conversations in my life and neither have I come across a detailed article on the experience of women on the mental, emotional, and psychological front. Too many women are ashamed to speak openly about their complicated experiences for fear of being judged. Though I understand every pregnancy is different just the way how every child is different, and what I experienced may or may not be the case for you. But it’s certainly worth knowing what might come your way and how others managed to cope. I was quite lucky to be in my safe space with the privileges to work remotely and to have the required care system for me and my child. And I genuinely wish the same for every female for a healthy and happy pregnancy.
In The End, It Was All Worth It!
At the end of 40 weeks, I delivered a beautiful baby girl weighing 3.5 kg and in perfect health. A cute little pink ball trying to figure out what’s happening around. The moment I got a glimpse of her, I cried looking at the innocent face cause I knew how blessed I was, that very instant. The feeling is serene. But I was on heavy drugs since I had an emergency caesarean section and was in great pain to experience any emotions of bonding. Genuinely, I did not have an instant connection to my child. It took me 1 day just to get my latching position correct and feed her unabridged. It was a mixed feeling, quite difficult to explain and comprehend. I had mild postpartum depression post realising that my life is never going to be the same as before, my total identity shift was something I had a really hard time accepting and embracing.
Though there were many sleepless nights and endless crying all the time, I thoroughly enjoyed every moment with her, her smile, cute little actions, and her very many first milestones, and to top it all my heart just melted when I heard her saying ‘Mumma’ for the first time. She slowly and strongly started to grow on me and now she is my everything, I just cannot imagine a life without her.
Honesty now our world revolves around her and she is my happy place! ❤❤
