Street Angels
It’s angels, not devils, who are really in the details.
When my kids were little, acquaintances and strangers would regularly compliment me on their excellent behavior. At home, however, they were far from perfectly-behaved. It was a rare afternoon that didn’t involve tantrums, tears, door-slamming, and ear-splitting screams (and not all of them from the kids).
I often wondered why it was that my children behaved so well for everyone but their parents, and what that said about our parenting skills (or lack thereof). On sharing those concerns with a friend who also happened to be a child psychologist, however, I got a surprising response.
“Oh, you shouldn’t be worried at all,” he said. “I call kids like that ‘street angels’—and they’re the healthiest kids I know. They feel safe enough at home to be transgressive, but are socialized well enough to know how to behave appropriately in public spaces.”
Put that way, it made perfect sense.
I found the term “street angels” quite delightful. And it has led me to think of angels not as heavenly visitors, but rather as people who epitomize positive traits and healthy behavior. When we say someone is “angelic,” we usually mean that they’re sweet and soft-spoken and perfectly-behaved. But the real angels in my life aren’t any sweeter, softer, or better-behaved than my children were. (Not to say that they don’t have their sweet moments.)
My angels aren’t defined by their good behavior, but rather by their ability to be fully present in a moment, aware of the people around them, attuned to the details of who those people are and what they need. The kind of angel I’m talking about notices the freshly-manicured nails and traces of last night’s lipstick on the cheerful waitress at the pancake house—and knows instinctively that flirting with her might make her giggle and put a bounce in her step, but not take her mind too far off the date with a new beau she had last night. They’re more likely to scold you for your inattention to others than they are to gently excuse your bad behavior. We often say that the devil is in the details, but I believe that it’s the angels that are most likely to notice those details.
These angels truly see us, in a way that most people don’t. They make us laugh when we think we can’t, they make us think when we don’t realize we should, and their gifts of time and attention are given without expectation of (or need for) acknowledgement or reciprocation. They are seldom who or what we expect. They’re just as likely to be outspoken as soft-spoken, and while they may seem unconcerned with appearances and rules, much like my unruly-at-home children they have an innate sense of boundaries, and how to be appropriate in a given context.
They’re consummate code-switchers, because they’re so attuned to the behaviors and details of the people around them that they instinctively communicate in the way that will best make a connection. You can say much the same thing about sociopaths, of course, who also read people well, and can feign concern and connection. They too can focus that warm glow of attention on you and evoke emotion. The difference is in how they use that power. Sociopaths use it to take what they want, while angels use it to give what you need. Angels leave you better and stronger than you were, while sociopaths leave you broken. That’s not to say that each can’t bring both pleasure and pain—just that the intent and the effects are markedly different.
on Route 66 in Illinois
There are more angels in your life than you probably realize. (Here’s a hint: look for the storytellers, because those who can tell a good story have almost certainly learned to do that by paying attention to the stories of others.) And when you find them, follow their lead and pay attention. First to them…and then to the rest of the world around you. Learn to really see the people, the places, the stories in your life.
The Zulus have a saying, “Umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu,” which means “a person is a person through other persons.” I’m grateful for the angels in my life, because they give me substance through the gift of their attention, and because they inspire me to give that gift back to others.
Soundtrack: Angels & Devils the Following Day (Dory Previn)
