Bracing for the Hits

In talking with a good friend the other day, the idea of planning for uncertainty and chaos emerged. A key question from the conversation was: how well can anyone build a life that creates space for unpredictability?

This conversation was, in part a reaction to yet another broken bone that my poor child experienced, courtesy of a high-wire monkey bar fail at the school playground. For all the parents out there, I’m curious if you have advice for how to get a primary school child to slow down? If life is a 35 mile/hour zone, my child is constantly moving at 50 miles/hour…

Back to the question at hand.

Being a quantitatively minded person, my initial reaction was to reframe the question as a numbers exercise: what percentage of life’s events are unpredictable and chaotic, and at what frequency do such events occur?

But when I started reflecting a bit more, I realized that such events are, by definition, unpredictable and chaotic, making them somewhat elusive for algorithmic attempts (I suppose insurance actuarials do this for a living, but they’re working on larger scales where low probability events become likely-those predictions become harder at the individual level). We could run the numbers and make some predictions, but those efforts would likely fall short of reality. Chelsea’s passing is the ultimate example of this: a highly unlikely event with seismic consequences that no one could have ever seen coming.

Reflecting and talking a bit more with my friend, we both realized that it’s probably futile to try and predict the unpredictable. But that doesn’t mean we’re helpless in the face of such chaos, as there is something powerful we can do: we can strengthen ourselves to the point where we’re capable of absorbing these chaotic ‘hits’ from life.

I felt this, or rather the absence of it, in the first 18 months after Chelsea passed: something unexpected would happen and the news felt like it landed with the force of a 2-ton sack of bricks, knocking me back much more than that same unexpected event might have a few years earlier, or even now. Using a different analogy, those early days felt like I was out at sea, getting bashed by waves coming in from every different direction. I couldn’t see them coming, nor could I predict which one might hit, but when it did, I’d get knocked off my center and it would take a significant amount of time to find my emotional balance. Very often, I’d get hit again before I could find my balance, and that sort of emotionally ‘wobbly’ state meant that the next wave hit me a little bit harder than the one before.

Thankfully, in time, a few things happened: the strength of the waves lessened, I got better at predicting the general direction of the waves that might land with significant impact, and I strengthened my foundation to the point where I could better ‘absorb’ the impact. I’m still not immune from getting knocked back to be sure, but I’ve tried to be disciplined about building myself up so that I can take those hits.

Again, my friend and I were talking about this because he’s going through a really rough patch, with some life changing events on the horizon and a significant amount of turmoil disrupting his life. In talking about what he could do, and what he could control, I kept coming back to this idea of focusing on himself, strengthening his foundation so that the hits wouldn’t land as hard as they could.

I suspect everyone has a slightly different formula for that self-strengthening process. I’ve found that spending time in nature, being where I live (the central coast of California) helps a great deal. There’s a sense of place here, likely a function of incredible natural beauty, that soothes the soul. Swimming and being near the water also help, although any form of exercise and physical activity is helpful. A of course, doing this writing always helps clarify how I’m feeling, which can be useful for processing emotions (a necessary part of self-care and finding one’s center).

But my friend’s formula is different, and we’re spending time trying to help him work out both the formula itself, as well as how he can find time during the week to implement that formula. That latter part is often times the trickiest part, something I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older and started a family. There are just more moving parts than there were a decade ago. And with more moving parts, there are more possible disruptions and more potential chaos than there were. So it’s not as if life is getting more chaotic-the chaos was always there, I’m just more exposed to it than I used to be (and obviously, the tragic events of the last few years produced a lot more chaos, although I suspect COVID did that to all of us to a certain degree).

Ironically, having a family means I have less time for self strengthening and self care, but that self care is that much more important because my exposure to those chaotic hits of life is greater, meaning I need a stronger center to absorb those hits.

This is one of those moments that triggers a sense of gratitude for my support community, as I can lean into those folks to help me navigate life when I need time for self-strengthening. I think about single parents with multiple kids, demanding jobs, and a lack of family/community support, and I wonder how in the hell they do it; I’m barely doing it with all the support I have…

Yet another example of the good things that surround me all the time, and the importance of being mindful of those good things.