It’s Never the Thing, it’s the Thing the Thing Represents

A few years ago I did political work in Washington DC, and a phrase I would often use to explain hot-button issues to folks was: “It’s never the thing; it’s the thing the thing represents.”

The idea is that issues catch fire not because of the specifics of that particular issue, but because of deeper, more fundamental ideas and values undergirding the issue. Immigration restrictions aren’t the real issue that sets people off, it’s the idea of a changing America. And your position on the issue reflects your position on that deeper issue.

I’ve had to mutter this phrase a few times in the last week because, quite frankly, I’m scared shitless and I need a framework to navigate my fear.

So the thing that triggered fear is my current job search. For context, I’ve been a stay-at-home dad, doing part-time work, since my daughter was born, which means I’ve been out of the workforce for about 3.5 years (shoutout to all the stay-at-home parents out there, because it’s a really hard job). I was happy to do it because my wife was focusing on her career, and that’s what the family needed. Also, in hindsight, having put in the time with my daughter is a twist of fate that should make my life as a single parent much easier moving forward. But, I now have to jump back into the workforce to support the family as a single parent, and the job search is proving elusive.

Quick privilege check: I may actually benefit from being a stay-at-home dad, given its novelty, while stay-at-home moms are almost certainly penalized for being with their children. One thing I have seen being a primary parent is the double-standard we apply to parents: as a father, simply keeping my child alive makes me an outstanding parent, while my wife would have to perform miracles to meet the outrageous expectations culture places on mothers. I also suspect that, as a widowed, single father, I’ll garner significantly more sympathy than a widowed, single mother might. So, just to acknowledge my privilege and put it out there…

None of this changes the fact that the job search is scaring the hell out of me. But, applying the framework from above, my fear isn’t really about the job search; it’s about the uncertain road that lies ahead. I had this awesome future planned out with Chelsea, and that’s now completely off the table. The job search is also particularly salient as a thing because it taps into so many more issues than just the future: jobs are about financial resources, where you live, your identity, your values, etc. So the question that’s bothering me isn’t, ‘how am I going to get a job?’. It’s a series of questions: How am I going to provide for my daughter? Where will I need to live in 10 years? How am I going to cultivate new personal and professional identities?

So I’m rudderless across most dimensions of my life, and the job search is zinging me across those multiple dimensions.

But I think using this framework to identify the thing the thing represents is a solid first step. Once I have a sense of the fear’s origin, I can acknowledge it and start to work on it, which, in all likelihood, means accepting the fact that I’m not going to know my future for a little while. So much of my life right now is about just taking steps forward, even if I don’t know where I’m headed. I just have to have faith in the fact that E and I will be okay, even if we don’t know what okay looks like along this new path. That’s a hard thing for a spiritually agnostic, empirically-minded person to do. But, as Chelsea would say, ‘be better,’ which is what I’ll try to do.