I’ve Been a Crappy Father This Week (and perhaps that’s okay?)

I have not been a good father this week.

For the record, I’m okay with that, because I’ve been a good father for most of E’s life. I’ve put in my time, which buys me the occasional week of crappy parenting (arguably, all parents deserve a mulligan every so often).

But man, it’s been a rough week. My patience is thin, which means I’m snapping at E more easily. I’m not as present with her as I need to be, my mind drifting.

And it’s not like I’m getting anything meaningful done. With the exception of the four hours it took to put together a way-too-fancy kitchen play set for E, a process that mercifully distracted me from what was going on in Washington last Wednesday, I’ve been rudderless.

Part of the challenge is rooted in the realities of Covid. I’ve been without help for a few weeks now and the shelter-in-place provisions mean I can’t reach out to anyone for that help, lest I increase our risk of getting Covid (which seems silly so close to the vaccine). So I’m a bit boxed in, I’m tired, I’m drifting, I’m scared about the future.

And I realize these are precisely the sort of moments I need to channel Chelsea’s spirit by adopting one of her great phrases/mottos: be better. She was so good at the discipline of self-improvement, doing little things every day to make herself better across at least one dimension of her life. What impressed me the most about her commitment to this principle was how she reacted when times got tough. Because it’s easy to be a good person and focus on self-improvement when everything is going right in your life. The real test is how you respond during challenging moments: can you be that same person who tries to get better? Most days, Chelsea could, and did (she actually improved during the covid lockdown, which I found incredible).

So I realize that, in low moments like this, I’ve got to dig in extra hard and find another gear. Arguably, that’s what I’ve been doing since she died, and I do wonder how long I can keep this up without some sort of break. News of the vaccine helps, as it does slightly illuminate the edge of the covid tunnel.

I also need to cut myself a little slack when I have a week that’s less than stellar.

But, in an odd sort of way, I actually think a little self-critique is a good thing, maybe a sign of progress? If I’m holding myself to a standard higher than simply getting through the day, it means I’m in a better place, more capable of setting higher goals. That was tough to do a month ago.

So I’ll try and be a better father next week.