Lessons from Chelsea: Part 1

While this writing project has primarily served as a space for reflection about grieving and loss, I also want to use it as a space to chronicle some of the lessons Chelsea taught me, about life, relationships, etc.

So I’ll kick the Chelsea lesson series off with a simple phrase she would frequently employ: “You get it when I get it.”

Here’s how this phrase would most often originate: Chelsea would get emotionally rattled by something, but wasn’t sure why. It might take her a few minutes, a few hours, maybe even a few days figure it out. All the while, I’m sweating bullets wondering if I said something stupid (which was likely). I would peer across the room with a somewhat frightened look on my face, too scared to ask, ‘have you figured it out yet?’ Sensing my anxiety, she would look at me and gently say, ‘you get it when I get it.’

Eventually, Chelsea’s self awareness and reflection would persevere, she would figure out what was bothering her, we’d talk about it, hug one another, and move on. But that phrase, ‘you get it when I get it’ was so important for us. It was a recognition that we didn’t always know why we were feeling what we were feeling, when we were feeling it. It was a code that we would use to give each other space when we needed to process our emotions. Even having known each other for over 20 years, being able to predict what the other was feeling so often, there were still plenty of moments that baffled us, and we needed a way to create that space for processing.

Too often in our culture, we expect immediate results, an expectation that clashes with the complex nature of our emotions. Sometimes we don’t know why we feel the way we do, and it takes time to work it out. Sometimes we have to sit with our emotions, let them be, and be patient. In those moments, it helps to have a code phrase to signal to a loved one that we need space.

‘You get it when I get it’ let me know that Chelsea was processing, and that I needed to be patient. I needed to trust her tremendous capacity for self-reflection, which I did most of the time. And she needed to trust that I would be okay exercising patience, which she did most of the time.

Even as I write this, I realize the important relationship that trust played in the ‘you’ll get it when I get it’ process. I trusted that Chelsea would be honest with me, and open about what she was feeling. Developing that trust took a long time: years, if not decades.

While this phrase was an important tool in helping us deal with the challenges associated with our relationship, it’s also served me well as I’ve moved through my grieving process. It gives me confidence that, while I may not know why I’m feeling the way I do, I can probably figure it out if I give myself time to process, time to reflect. That’s been so critical in the healing process: just sitting with my emotions, letting them be, and lettings answers reveal themselves when they are ready.

As with all things associated with healing, I’m trying to let Chelsea’s example guide me. It’s nice to think that, even after she’s gone, she’s still helping me move through my life.