Three Months In

Tuesday was three months.

Given our proclivity towards signifying milestones, it seems appropriate to celebrate and reflect on the past three months. But when I stop and try and reflect, there isn’t much there other than the simple thought of ‘we made it.’

And that’s significant, making it this far, after such a traumatic loss. So here I sit, three months later, actually feeling sort of okay about where E and I are at the moment. For the record, it took a while before I could say ‘okay’ when folks ask how I was doing. I think we all have (or at least, those of us from the South) a tendency towards using ‘okay’ as a generic placeholder term for our moods when asked how we’re doing. But I just couldn’t in good conscious say I was doing okay after Chelsea died-how could I be after losing the best part of my life?

So it’s empowering to know that, three months later, I can say in good faith that I am doing okay. I’m starting to think about the future, started to think about what’s next, starting to make plans (small as they may be), starting to work through questions about who I am without Chelsea.

I’m still heartbroken, I’m still feeling tremendous loss, but making it this far gives me the confidence that I can make it another three months, then another. Every hard night I have, I wake up the next day feeling a little bit better, then move forward. Every day I watch E navigate the world and think, ‘you’d never know that kid just lost her mom.’ Her strength and resilience give me tremendous confidence.

So as time passes, I start to feel better about what’s next. And maybe that’s enough, three months into this new experience.