Time to Lay it Down
Back from abroad after a lovely, week-long trek with one of my best friends. As alluded to last time, there were plenty of significant questions going into the trip, so I paid attention to what I both saw and felt throughout the week.
On balance, the trip was a smashing success. It had been so long since I was last abroad that I forgot how liberating it can be to escape the day-to-day trappings of life and experience a different place/culture. Between COVID, parenting, and grief, I’ve sort of been set in my daily routines, so much so that those routines had constrained my thinking; getting outside of those routines and constraints is really great, albeit uncomfortable at times, as it provides both perspective and a sort of cultural ‘reset’ that is really hard to get when you stay at home.
I really enjoyed being in a place where I didn’t immediately understand the language (although my sincere gratitude to the Swiss for being so accommodating of English speakers). It was fun to gradually increase my recognition/awareness of Swiss German over the course of the trip (and somewhat liberating to break free from the constraints of the english language).
I really enjoyed riding around on trains, particularly because that mode of transit supported our somewhat flexible agenda. We had booked our plane tickets and first/last nights’ accommodations, but that was it, so we were able to spend most of the trip improvising based on what we wanted to see and where we wanted to go. Trains support that type of itinerary quite well.
I really enjoyed the mountains. While I live in a spectacular place, it was wonderful to visit another spectacular place with an incredible, natural setting. Nature has a way of lending perspective, so spending time in the mountains created some mental/emotional space that I desperately needed.
As for resolution of my seismic emotions (again, explored last time): I did have an incredibly powerful and cathartic moment, but it was a peaceful moment, not a moment of rage. I didn’t scream at a waterfall or a mountain; instead, I laid down a rock.
Prior to the trip, my partner K shared a tradition that she learned when walking the Camino de Santiago about a decade ago: people on the camino often bring a rock from their home, which represents something heavy weighing them down emotionally. While on pilgrimage, they reflect on the meaning of the rock and, when ready, lay the rock down as symbol of letting go of their burden (both literally and metaphorically ‘lightening the load’ as it were). So my friend and I, who have both been through some heavy moments in the last decade, picked up rocks from home and brought them with us.
I loved the idea of taking (and potentially laying down) a rock but, to be honest, wasn’t quite sure what the rock represented for my life. Given where I am in 2024, and the progress I’ve made since 2020, I wasn’t quite sure what was weighing me down (for my friend, it was very easy to work out what his rock symbolized). I’ve healed, I’ve met another amazing human being, my daughter is doing really well, and I’m moving forward with my life, so what could possibly be holding me back/weighing me down? Still, I trusted in the process, didn’t think too hard about it, and just immersed myself in the trip.
And then, on a mountainside in Switzerland, it came to me.
My friend and I were on a hike with spectacular views of snow-capped mountains, when all of a sudden, I realized that it was time to stop being angry about what happened to Chelsea. I didn’t need a violent, rage-filled action to release my anger (e.g., screaming into a waterfall); I simply made the decision to do it, said a few words to Chelsea in my head, and put my rock down.
It was incredibly simple, and incredibly powerful.
To be fair, I do think emotional/psychological resolution of trauma (if there is such a thing as resolution) is complex at best, requiring more than symbolic acts like laying down rocks. But…I also think that acting with intentionality is an incredibly powerful psychological act, setting the stage for resolution. We’ll see how the intentional act of ‘laying down my anger’ manifests over time emotionally.
I did feel something while I was contemplating my rock and laying it down, something I haven’t felt in a long time: it was a feeling of warmth and peace, almost like a warm blanket being wrapped around me. I remember that feeling during the first year of my process, the feeling of a blanket protecting me from the pain and cold of loss, so it was lovely to feel it again in this particular moment. While I don’t believe in angelic presences, the feeling does have a numinous quality; and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love the image of Chelsea’s spirit there with us in that moment, smiling and embracing me as I was experiencing such a powerful moment. A lovely idea, and a lovely image.
So that’s why I travel. To get outside of my normal routines and put myself in a position to have powerful experiences. I’ll try to not wait another 12 years for the next trip…
