EXPLICIT LANGUAGE: Missing Kids, Maraes, & Massive comebacks.

A chilling story emerged recently from the NZ Police about the vast number of people listed as missing in New Zealand since ages ago. We caught up with Detective Peter who explained to us why the number was so high. “Sometimes they just go missing and it takes forever to find them so unfortunately it gets to the stage where we just can’t be bothered anymore”. When questioned why there was such a high number of young people (under the age of 16) on the list, Det. File suggested that human trafficking and child slavery were potential reasons for the most unfortunate but riveting disappearances.

Earlier in the weekend, in an event some people are calling the biggest waste of tax payer money of the year to date, thousands of people descended on their spiritual home in a weekend long celebration of getting ripped off way back in the day. Large crowds were expected, however strictly enforced restrictions at the venue, as well as the absence of many high profile names meant that the crowd numbers were lower than expected. Waitangi Marae celebrations spokesperson Hemi Hongi said “it worked out allgoodz in da end… not many fellas come to here means heaps of drinks left for da boiz”.

The ALT_B roving reporter attempted to gain access to the Marae to report on proceedings, however was met at the gate and refused access by what she descried as “a f*cking aggressive powhiri”. This backs up wild claims made by veteran MP Winston Peters who claims he was also intimidated, verbally abused, was issued with a trespass notice, and even sold half a kilo of ‘the far north’s finest’ during his short but eventful visit to the Marae.

In a repeat of last weekend’s atrociously woeful and disappointing Wellington’s ‘Sevens flop’ Auckland tried to go one better and attract a large, young, crowd by adding two players to the teams, and calling it ‘Nines’. Other attractions at the event included a ‘singles zone’ (featuring Naz from the Bachelor, and several family groups), discounted food and drinks, and a home team that made it to the playoffs. Official attendances over the 3 days of the event were officially 169 higher than the Wellington Sevens, so the organisers are still fist pumping and hungover even as you read this now. 
We don’t actually know which club won the tournament — who TF even cares…?
 
BTW, the Aussies still suck fat ones when it comes to smashing little balls with big sticks, cos they let the BlackCaps smack some nice shots over the rope in Seddon Park, wherever that is, to win another game of cricket on Sunday.

In the soccer world of NZ football related dramas, Team Wellington showed they could do some smacking of their own when they launched 3 perfect penalty opportunities into outer-space in their game against the lulu-whites in Auckland. This didn’t help much as the loo-loo-whites romped away to win 3–1. 
 
In world news, America took time off the construction of their wall to watch the Super Tub Final between the aptly named NE Patriots, and the Cartel backed AT Falcons. Like any typical shitty American movie, the Patriots overcame obstacles and won the day, riding off into the sunset with the pretty young maiden and a rather unsubstantial trophy.

American boss guy Trump has taken advantage of the result, issuing a statement decreeing a national holiday to be held every single day for the rest of February. However Trump’s advisors decided that ‘International f*ck Mexico month’ would be a step too far, even for the newly appointed God of the Yankees, and were able to convince him to instead have some captain crunch and a soda pop to celebrate.
 
The Queen of England celebrated her sapphire jubilee in fashion this week, however expressed a level of compassion for her late father, whom she succeeded. “The old fart was going to kark it sooner or later, so to be here in his place today is perfectly acceptable to ones self” said her royally old majesty, speaking to our European corespondent. Meanwhile in what appeared to be a semi related incident, lots of soldiers shot old cannons at something in London and some other kinky little English town. Government sources say the military were called into action after the ghost of the queen’s father, George VI arose from his grave to slap the rude old head of state, but became aggressive after getting lost somewhere between Kings Cross and Piccadilly.

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