Gentle people are leaders too.
Removing assumptions and opening our minds to difference.
If, like me, people perceive you to be the kind of person ‘who wouldn’t hurt a fly’ or someone who naturally wants to help others, it can sometimes be tricky to be taken seriously when it comes to being a leader.
Many people would describe me as ‘gentle’ – including lots of my closest friends and family – and when they do, they mean it with positivity, respect, and it’s part of what they love about me.
But what about professional situations?
What happens when those you work with perceive you as the gentle type, or someone who always puts others first?
How do people perceive this at work? How do you perceive it?
Being a woman adds an extra layer to the professional environment too — we’re all too aware of the lack of equality faced by women (as well as many other types of people) on a daily basis.
However, whilst awareness is high, change is taking a lot longer:
A 2018 study found that fewer than 5% of CEO positions across the US, UK and Europe were held by women, and these roles are often not as secure for women as they are for men.
So, what if you’re a woman and naturally ‘gentle’? Does being a woman make you automatically ‘gentle’?!
I run my own social enterprise, and whilst it’s micro sized and certainly exists in a very different kettle of fish to the corporate world, I am a leader; be it through my teaching or choreography work, or through growing the business and directing how we develop as an organisation.
However, my gentle exterior and passion for social change have definitely been confused with weakness sometimes.
The attitude of ‘Oh, she won't mind!’ has been taken by some people, almost like a free pass to do whatever they like without asking. They take this stance because they assume that I don’t have the confidence to disagree — that I just want to please everyone.
Now, the reality is that I don’t want to please everyone.
But I do believe in treating people with compassion, respect, and without prejudice. I demonstrate kindness as much as possible, and will always work with a positive outlook, even in difficult situations.
It’s important to me that the people I work with feel welcome and listened to, that they feel safe and have opportunities to grow and develop, that they feel equal. If this is perceived as ‘gentle’, or ‘kind’, or anything else similar then I’m ok with that.
The problem comes when kindness and gentleness are confused with inability, or lack of confidence, or lack of direction. This can happen in many ways, and everyone involved has a part to play.
When it comes to leadership, society seems to teach us that leaders are people who are ‘strong’, ‘confident’, ‘driven’ etc.
These aren’t necessarily incorrect, but it’s important to consider how we might perceive these terms and how assumptions can so easily come into play:
We might assume that strength means acting in a brash, forceful way, making demands, and setting rules.
We might assume that confident people have everything sorted — they are living the perfect life and have no worries.
We might assume that to be driven you have to put your own needs before anyone elses at all times.
In reality, none of the above are true.
Assumptions are dangerous — by making an assumption you are closing yourself off to opportunities to learn, both about yourself and others. Immediately the assumption becomes the truth and therefore there is nothing else to see.
This creates a ripple effect — if you consider confidence as something only people with perfect lives have, then you will never consider yourself to be confident.
If you think you have to put yourself before everyone else at all times in order to show drive (and therefore be a leader, which must result in a perfect life as all leaders are confident), then you’re very unlikely to reach your goals due to the negative affect this will inevitably have on the people around you.
How does that make you feel?
What example does that set for the generation after you?
Instead, what would happen if we were all more open to breaking down the boxes society tries to put us all in?
To opening our minds more and consciously working at not making assumptions ourselves — assumptions about others but also assumptions about ourselves.
What if, instead of the ‘Oh they won’t mind!’ approach, we actually put ourselves out there and ask them first?
If someone is taking the ‘they wont mind’ approach with you, how are you going to approach it?
In my experience, these sorts of situations come from caring too much about what other people think (something I’ve definitely been guilty of), and therefore we’re too afraid of taking risks.
Instead of working out what our own values are, and living by them, we live by other people’s. We aren’t willing to take a risk, instead we want to stay as comfortable as possible and it’s easier just to sit back.
If we do that, we are also very likely to make assumptions about others too. To fall into the trap of believing what we are told by society — to be a leader I must be forceful, self-orientated, and dominant. Therefore, gentle people can’t lead and so their opinions have less value, for example.
This is when stereotypes and inequality thrive. Lack of independent thinking, lack of willingness to leave our comfort zones, and a lack of respect for ourselves and others.
However, my experience has taught me that we can counteract this with two main things — knowing our values and working on loving ourselves.
It’s not easy, it’s a continual practice that never ends. But it helps us cultivate compassion, belonging, and kindness for ourselves and others and this too has a ripple effect.
Knowing your own values
Truly acknowledging and checking in with them to understand what is important to you and how you can live in line with them. Your values come from you, not anyone else.
Values give you confidence and help you learn who you are — if you're acting in line with them then you can be reassured that you’re moving forwards with authenticity and in a way that is right for you.
It’s inevitable that you’ll come across all sorts of people with values that differ to yours too. If you know your values you’ll be ok with this, as you’ll have more of an awareness and acceptance of others through understanding more about yourself. You wont need to make an assumption about the other person, if anything you’ll be able to reaffirm your own values instead.
Working on loving yourself
For me, this means being true to who I am and not being led by other people’s perceptions. If you love yourself you wont need gratification from anyone else and those who love themselves won’t need it from you either.
This isn’t to be confused with egotism or self-centredness. Truly loving yourself means also accepting your flaws, and knowing that you will make mistakes and not being afraid of them (taking risks) — giving space to learn from them, self-reflect, and check back in with your values. You’ll have a more holistic view of yourself and therefore will be more accepting and respectful of others too.
Instead of looking to others for gratification, which is never actually gratifying, you are able to give this to yourself, and therefore you can pay it forwards to others as well.
With these, assumptions go out the window — we don’t need to make a judgement about others in order to feel better about ourselves. Instead we’re able to cultivate a more inclusive, equal environment where others can be themselves too.
This also allows room for difference — something that should be celebrated, rather than feared. We are all different. We all have different hopes, dreams, and values.
This enables everyone (including you) to flourish. It removes the need for comparison, judgement, and prejudice — instead there’s fluidity, openness, and creativity.
There is no ‘perfect leader’ or correct way to lead. Anyone can lead if they want to. Leaders are needed in so many different contexts and parts of life. Different people need different things, and we all have different approaches.
This isn’t to say that it’ll be a perfect ride — difficult situations and mistakes are inevitable. The difference is how we deal with them.
So keep being you, cultivate your own daily practice to help you learn about who you are and treat yourself with love and respect. Then you’ll be able to pay this forwards to others too, and we’ll all be able to lead together.
