Why Vulnerability is Your Greatest Strength
And how to embrace it.
We no longer need to fear arguments,
confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others.
Even stars collide,
and out of their crashing, new worlds are born.
Today I know: This is LIFE!
Every day we come across situations that feel uncomfortable, and often what feels like the best way to resolve them is whichever way removes our feelings of vulnerability as quickly as possible.
As Charlie Chaplin so eloquently explains in this closing verse of his poem, As I Began to Love Myself, life is made up of all sorts of different experiences, including conflict and problems, within ourselves and with others. We therefore have a choice — we can be fearful and push them away, or we can approach uncomfortable experiences with a different perspective to help us, and those around us, get the most from our lives and move forwards.
Years ago, as I went through professional dance training, there were times when I felt incredibly shy, and I was always avoiding doing anything wrong. Even at the age of 27, as soon as I entered the studio, I ‘regressed’ into my 14 year old ‘good girl’ persona — making sure I nailed my technique, trying desperately not to make a mistake, and never fully letting myself just dance, apart from the odd performance (which had had months of rehearsal beforehand), just in case I did something wrong. I never really thought about what ‘wrong’ was or meant – I just thought that anything wrong was worst case scenario.
One day, one of my tutors said to me in the middle of an exercise ‘stop being a good girl!’. She pretty much shouted it down my ear and I ended up feeling confused and embarrassed, not wanting to go back to her class (by this point I was at Masters level and this session was optional anyway — hence me being a ‘good girl’ and still going…). Needless to say, I didn’t go back after that.
That moment stayed with me and I think I now understand her motive for it. She wanted to see the ‘real me’; for me to let go and actually dance, rather than just be a body in space copying movement given to me.
I was so afraid of making a mistake, I wasn’t actually getting anywhere — trying to exactly replicate the movement I was being taught was never going to help me develop as an artist, or as a person, no matter how perfect my technique was, whether I had impeccable timing, or whether I did it all ‘correctly’.
The situation made me feel uncomfortable and I didn’t realise how important that was for my development. I thought that not going back would protect me from feeling that way ever again, which had to be a good thing.
However, looking back this was completely the opposite of what I actually needed — by not going back, by trying to fight my vulnerability, I stopped myself from gaining an opportunity to learn and grow, because my ‘comfort zone’ was more important.
My ‘good girl’ persona was in fact my worst enemy – it was my way of protecting myself from feeling and being vulnerable and therefore was stopping me from moving forwards.
Taking a risk and being vulnerable are in fact incredible moments of strength when we go with them rather than against them.
If you’ve read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown you’ll know where I’m coming from (and if you haven’t read it I can highly recommend it!). Her research has shown that vulnerability is in fact courage — and she invites us all to show up and take a risk.
Instead of shying away as soon as we feel vulnerable, we need to stay vulnerable in order to take meaningful action.
Brené really hits the nail on the head with this closing sentence in Daring Greatly:
“I can honestly say that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as believing that I’m standing on the outside of my life looking in and wondering what it would be like if I had the courage to show up and let myself be seen.”
Being completely averse to risk (and therefore everything to do with vulnerability) is more detrimental to our lives than any form of action.
Nothing worth achieving can be achieved without risk, even if there are no guarantees, and this means failure is inevitable too.
Failure offers us so many benefits. It is not a finite moment or the end of something. Instead, it’s an inevitable part of the process, a place where we can learn from our mistakes, delve further into the experience to learn how this informs who we are, and how to move forwards. This requires vulnerability but, as Brené explains, it‘s not as painful as looking at your life from the outside in, wishing you’d had the courage to do something.
If you want to achieve something you are the only person who can do something about it – and that takes vulnerability.
Despite the stories we read of people achieving overnight success, nobody achieves anything without taking a risk, learning from their mistakes, and working REALLY hard — basically, showing up.
Also, I’ve learnt that vulnerability doesn’t go away. If you’re brave enough to take the first step in actually showing up, that doesn’t mean that you’re then completely immune to vulnerability and it’ll all be plain sailing from then onwards.
True change comes when you’re willing to keep riding the vulnerability and keep showing up — despite what your inner critic tells you, how you perceive others to react to you, or anything else that your self-doubt is craving.
Since the ‘good girl’ times, I’ve become much more aware of how loud my inner critic is but also how loud my values are. The more I acknowledge my values, the more I achieve and the less ammunition my inner critic has — I’m still vulnerable, but instead of fighting against it I’m moving with it.
Moving with it is always going to be difficult but there are things you can do to help you through it:
Write down your values
A conscious decision to acknowledge and consider your values can be life changing.
Values can be a wide range of things that are important to you — they could range from social concerns, such as inclusion or equality, to family, your pet, and hobbies you enjoy. Writing them down helps you consider them fully and also helps you process them more deeply.
Being clear on your values gives you a stronger sense of purpose - knowing you’re acting in line with them helps you retain a sense of authenticity which can give you a more positive perspective on situations.
You can also make more informed decisions — a decision that falls in line with your values will feel right, and although you will also feel vulnerable, there’ll be an underlying sense of reassurance.
This enables you to use uncomfortable experiences as learning opportunities, rather than fighting against them – you can make more authentic choices, process your emotions more clearly, and help yourself stay open to vulnerability so that you can move on too.
Recognise your achievements
A friend recently explained to me how by acknowledging her achievements she gains clarity and keeps moving forwards — on the same day each month she writes down what she has achieved and what she would like to achieve in the following month. Doing this helps her realise just how much she actually achieves on a regular basis – way more than she expected.
Our brains are hard wired to focus on the negative so it can be really easy to feel like you’re getting nowhere. But, if you take the time to actually consider what you’ve achieved you’re likely to be pleasantly surprised.
Small achievements are just as valuable too – these are the easiest ones to forget.
It’s up to you how you acknowledge them – you could use writing as a tool again, or use meditation. However you do it, consciously recognising your achievements is a great way to help you see the reality of what you are achieving, how these relate to your values, and understand how you deal with your vulnerability — celebrating what vulnerability has enabled you to do.
Practice Gratitude
Recognising your achievements helps you realise what you are grateful for too. Brené Brown explains that gratitude is the ‘antidote to foreboding joy’ — everyone she interviewed who was able to stay open to experiencing joy (and therefore managed not to fight off their vulnerability) practiced gratitude.
Brené argues that ‘joy is probably the most difficult emotion to feel’ and that foreboding joy is one of the ‘shields’ we use against vulnerability - despite wanting to ‘be happy’, which involves joy, we often perceive joy as ‘a set up’. We think that something bad is inevitable just because we’ve experienced something good.
Gratitude helps us combat this, and ultimately helps us move with our vulnerability — it can be particularly helpful in giving us perspective and helping us feel more fulfilled. To get the most from gratitude though, we need to actually practice it (again writing or meditation are great ways to do this). Practicing is more than just feeling grateful. It’s a way to fully acknowledge, consider, and delve into gratitude, so that we can build empathy, connection, and respect for ourselves and others.
Vulnerability is also essential for wider society — you can’t help anyone else if you are too afraid to help yourself.
The times we live in are often challenging, and the negativity from external sources can be hard to break down, but by moving with your own vulnerability you can help those around you do the same. Vulnerability enables you to become part of the greater whole, to be seen.
Vulnerability leads to belonging, empathy, care, generosity, community, connection.
Living your life with meaning, purpose, and being true to yourself takes courage.
Courage means vulnerability.
It also means you are going to fail at some point.
However, good things will happen too.
If you can move with that, show up and get on with it, then you wont need to imagine what your life would have been like, you’ll be living it instead.
