The evidence-based number #1 most effective parenting technique of all time
The supply of adult attention
“I kept looking for the word ‘Love’ ”, someone commented on an earlier version of this article.
But love is not a technique. Love may be a context, or what Heidegger would call a “foresake-of-which”. Or maybe love is a declaration, or maybe love is a feeling , or etc. etc. One thing love for sure is not is a technique… although the practical actions of taking care of someone “because you love them” (or from and within the context of loving them) will probably involve the practice and practicing of lots and lots of techniques.
I learnt about some of these techniques from attending an evidence-based parenting course called “The Incredible Years” (for parents of 3–8 year olds) developed by Carolyn Webster-Stratton.
However I subsequently have been trying out these techniques in my own life, so I can tell you about this, not just in the respect of the evidence, but also from my own experience.
There are basically two sides to the power of adult attention in respect of children’s behaviour: attention and ignoring.
Attention
The supply of adult attention is a prime motivator in children’s behaviour. Children will do anything to get your attention — they will behave well if that gets your attention, and they will behave badly if that gets your attention.
Parents tend to make the mistake of ignoring good behaviour (because it doesn’t stand out, and doesn’t obstruct your agenda), and criticising bad behaviour. Following this approach essentially gives attention only to bad behaviour ! — ie. The exact opposite of what will help children develop good habits of social interaction. Making a point of giving attention to a child who is sitting happily and playing contentedly requires deliberate practice, but it can be done if you pay attention.
If children are not able to get positive attention (eg. praise, descriptive commenting, etc.), children will settle for negative attention (criticism, making mummy angry or embarassed, etc.).
Descriptive Commenting provides an easy way of providing children with positive attention
I have found descriptive commenting on childrens’ play to be absolute godsend. Descriptive commenting involves describing what a child is doing (eg. “Lucy is climbing the ladder up to the top of the slide”), or how a game or activity is progressing (eg. “I see you have made an obstacle course in around the garden”, “You have built a den using the cushions from the sofa”), or what the characters in imaginative play are doing (“the boy [a playmobile character] was on the way to party at the fairground, but now he has fallen off his car and he needs an ambulance”) is a massively effective way of engaging with children while they are playing.
- It provides the child with the experience of a parent who is intently engaged in their play and paying full attention to it.
- It improves childrens’ verbal skills and comprehension — you are giving language to the activity some of which language may not be familar, but is understandable to a child because of the context of the play or game.
- It helps a parent maintain their attention on what a child is actually doing. In order to describe the activity, you have to pay attention to it.
- A parent becomes “an appreciative audience” for a child’s play activity.
When I started descriptive commenting with my Emily it radically improved our relationship and the quality of her playing. She became more focused on the thing she was doing and able to maintain her attention on an activity for longer at a time. She also became more trusting. Emily’s baseline for compliance with me was about 30% (or less when she could tell I was losing my patience) — whereas now I would say it is now much closer to 50% or higher. These days she quite often tells me she loves me, and it is usually soon after I have given her a big dose of attention. Starting the day with a good 10 minutes of playing with her with full attention tends to make everything that follows much easier.
Ignoring
The other side of the power of giving attention to children’s play and good behaviour, is ignoring their bad behaviour.
One of the things they teach you if you go on a parenting course (such as this one — http://www.incredibleyears.com/) is the power of ignoring. (Or you can read the book: “Incredible Years” by Carolyn Webster-Stratton.
An enormous variety of bad behaviour by children can be dealt with very effectively by ignoring it… and I’ve tried it and it really does work.
Negative attention such as criticism is still attention, and if they can’t get positive attention children will quite happily settle for negative attention… because any attention is better than no attention. Criticising an annoying behaviour is actually providing a child with reinforcing attention for a bad behaviour and consequently you will probably just get more of it. Whereas if the bad behaviour is ignored, their is no attention hit for a child when they do it, so while such behaviours may come and go randomly, they are likely to go away by themselves just as they come by themselves.
Of course there are things that you can’t ignore — like little Jonny experimenting with different ways of punching his sister — but any behaviours that are merely annoying, rather than out and out detrimental, can be dealt with very well by ignoring them.
The second prong to this approach is distraction… Ignore the bad behaviour and then distract the child with something that engages them. Eg. this morning on the way to pre-school:
L: “I don’t want to go to preschool.”
Me: (Ignores)
L: “I don’t want to go to preschool.”
Me: (Ignores)
L: “I don’t want to go to preschool.”
Me: “Hey look there’s the place we go to play tennis.”
L: “Mmm. There’s the place we go to play tennis.”
So, in summary: Ignore and Distract… a powerful combination for dealing with annoying behaviours.
