Wait, Why am I out here again?
It’s really quiet. Like, reeeeeally quiet.
Like “if I were in the city, I’d be worried” — kind of quiet.
Like “where are all of the people” -type quiet.
Not that feel I knew how to interact with them for more than a certain finite amount of time when they’re around…but the non-negotiable nature of inner-city proximity had me always having to say something to someone, do something for someone, react or respond to something done by someone.
There’s definitely a prompting of examining self in each of the aforementioned case-types, but there’s also a second side to each equation: “someone”… that’s the part I wanted to remove — not because of fear or disdain, but because I know that the dark clouds that look over the sky inside of me aren’t truly brought forth by anyone else. I think that some silence will help me to recenter (& I say “re”center, because that’s the term…in actuality, I don’t know if I’ve ever been consciously centered before). It’s become a passionate devotion of my focus, because I know there is so much more to discover & expand upon, offer up & enjoy within me. I have had some moments of gloom & dismay in rooms by myself more than in any space occupied by another, & have mostly felt a need to hide & deal with it alone, which distanced me even further from those around me. I’ve often used the hustle to hide my darker parts as a distraction from actually facing the darkness, & seeing what’s in there.
& yes, we’ve been in isolation for a year now — highly limited social interaction (if you’re doing it right, being safe & all). It would seem like all of that confusion would go away, with such parameters, right? False. That’s just really solidified the truth that I have caused & can cure my own sadness. Because that’s what it is, at the end of it all — sadness. One that I’ve allowed the actions & projections of others to reinforce, but that is not rooted externally, at all. One that has caused my own mistakes & errors in judgement to seem case & proof of my inadequacy. One I can trace veins of, to the moments when they began, but that I have not yet truly addressed the root cause of. This thin (or sometimes thickening) invisible film (or sometimes brick wall) always disconnecting me from the world around me. This feeling that I am not enough.
There’s this light in me — one that many can see, but that I can’t always see or access myself. My creative journey has been a means of revealing what’s within me, to the world, but for myself. & through it, I’ve created such beautiful art, that’s opened my eyes to the beauty within me. I’m blessed to have been granted such a means of processing & moving through life, my feelings & experiences, & I feel it’s time that beauty doesn’t have to step over these stumbling blocks to get to the forefront & shine.
This isn’t the sole reason why I’m out here, but it is one of the main causes of my commitment to this course. Neni’s gone back to Boston with Blue Jay for a bit. It’s just me & Simba out here for the next few weeks… There are other campers around, over there somewhere, but they’re each doing their own things, as am I. Probably searching for the same silence I’ve sought.
It’s quiet. But you can see the stars so clearly at night. And the sunrise is beyond words. This time shall be used with utmost wisdom and appreciation.