I keep missing my turn in the conversation

Conversational turn-taking is tricky

Photo by Beth Macdonald on Unsplash

Group conversations are like double-dutch. But unlike double-dutch, I still haven’t really mastered the art of the jump-in.

Let’s extend this double-dutch comparison.

The group conversation ropes are turning, going faster and faster. I’m standing on the outside, waiting for my turn to go in. I thought there would be an orderly line so everyone can take turns in the ropes (that would just make sense) but people are walking past me and jumping in and out over and over again.

I want to say “Hey! It’s not your turn. It’s obviously my turn! I haven’t gone yet. Don’t you see me standing here waiting?” but I don’t because I’ve never seen anyone do it. Clearly that’s a big no-no.

So I keep standing there and, when there’s finally no one cutting in front of me anymore, I realize this is it! This is my chance! I edge closer to the ropes, watch the rhythm again, and then run forward and jump in…

…and there are two usual outcomes and a third rarer one.

1. I misjudge the rhythm and the ropes tangle around me. I run out embarrassed at ruining the smooth rhythm and don’t try again.
2. I time the rhythm right and the ropes keep turning but then I get tired of trying to keep up with the ropes’ fast pace and jump out again
3. I get the timing right, I keep up and the ropes slow down for me when I need it and other people jump in with me and it’s so much fun!

Okay, let’s end the double-dutch comparison here before we get too lost.

Basically, conversation turn-taking is hard because the turns are not clearly signaled unless someone asks me a direct question. And even then, my turn can still be ended before I finish answering the question and never given back. After standing on the edge of many groups waiting to be noticed and invited in, I’ve learned that turn-taking is more like turn-stealing. If you want to participate, just start talking. Interrupt people.

I don’t like doing that, though.

I didn’t even learn how to do this until I became a sign language interpreter and had to interpret for people who were interrupters. I did it enough times that it stopped feeling awful and more like a very useful skill to have.

It’s especially useful when talking with someone that doesn’t stop talking. When I’m stuck in a conversation with this type of person, I wonder: Is this person also a victim of conversational turn stealing? Are they too afraid to give up their turn?

Can we have a conversation without worrying about never getting our turn to speak?

With my husband, we signal each other’s turn with actually spoken signals.

If one of us wants to interrupt with something they just thought of, we agreed (yes, we had an actual conversation about this) to ask something like “Can I say something?” before jumping in, just to give the speaker a chance to finish what they’re saying. This prevents the sadness of not getting to finish saying something we really wanted to share. And it also prevents the feeling of being stuck as the listener because the speaker just won’t stop talking. We can interrupt at any time, it’s not rude, and we don’t hurt each other’s feelings. I also don’t have to monitor if I’m talking too much because I know he’ll tell me if I am.

I haven’t figured out yet how to apply this to group conversations, though, so if you have any ideas I’d love to hear them.

Interested in reading more about group dynamics? Read these!

Hanging out in a group can be awful (but it can be fun too)

Why I will keep trying to socialize in groups (even though it’s hard)