Fiction
Why don’t adventure stories have bathroom stops?
What I want to ask every fictional adventure character
The hero scales the cliff, brow sweating, eyes squinting against the sun, teeth clenched in effort.
“Hello.”
A small voice skips into her ears.
The hero pauses the climb, wondering where the voice came from.
“Hi, yes that’s me talking to you. I’m up here.”
She looks up, sweat burning her eyes in slow drips. A small girl waves from the top of the cliff, about 5 stories away (if measuring in building size). The hero maneuvers onto a jutting ledge to safely look up and decide if this small child is a danger to anyone.
“I just had a question,” says the little girl, squatting down too close to the cliff’s edge. “When did you last go to the bathroom? I’ve been watching this episode and so far 2 days have passed but no mention of the potty. Do you ever pee?”
The hero opens her mouth to answer but she actually has no words to say. They haven’t ever been written in a script for her to know. “I don’t know,” she finally answers.
The little girl above shuffles closer to the cliff’s edge. “You don’t know? Do you have a hard time knowing when to go? I do too sometimes when I get really busy. And you’ve definitely been super busy!”
An adult walks up behind the little girl and the hero is relieved to see them pull the child back from the edge.
“Well, I’ll let you continue your adventure. I need to continue my survey and ask some other people about their bathroom usage.” She puts her hands on her hips. “I wish stories would at least mention that, you know? I thought everyone hardly ever goes to the bathroom.” She shakes her head at all the guilty authors and screenwriters before disappearing with the adult.
The hero resumes her climb.
She tries not to notice the sudden urge to relieve the unwritten full bladder she somehow has now.
