Alien Advice For Humanity’s Evolutionary Defects
An alien diplomat visited Earth today, and dispensed extra-terrestrial tips
Hello, Earthlings. I am Chief Diplomat Xionfrangzoltar XVII from the Galactic Federation, and your planetary species has finally reached a point where extra-terrestrial contact is appropriate.
First off, we apologize that some of our more, how you colloquially call “redneck,” galactic associates have been less than responsible and mature in terms of their sociological studying of your planet. We apologize for all the abductions, agricultural graffiti, and literal pyramid schemes. If you’re curious, all those crop circles were not coded messages, but rather depictions of our various alien species’ genitalia, making them our equivalent of your graffiti drawings of penises. They’re obscene, but, like all higher intelligence organisms, we can’t resist an occasional dick joke.
Most of all, we apologize for the unfortunate, and scientifically unnecessary, anal probings. The Galactic Federation has mandated the end to all excretory probings from now on, except for the human entity called Rudy Giuliani. He appears to enjoy it, so we can assure you it’s quite consensual.
Anyway, we’ve been monitoring the evolutionary journey of your species since you were mere primordial…
