Donald Trump’s Secret Questionnaire For All Staffers Just Leaked!

Do you think your answers to these questions would get you appointed to Trump’s next administration?

Photo by Library of Congress on Unsplash

Trump’s Official Application To Be In His 2nd Term, Which Is Certain To Again Accomplish More Than Lincoln, Washington, And All Other Presidents Combined:

• In 500 words or more, explain why Donald Trump was a better president than all the others combined. [If you don’t include Trump’s name in every sentence he will get bored and not finish reading it.]
• Do you think Trump could date Ivanka if she weren’t his daughter?
• If you have a law degree, are you willing to be disbarred in service of Trump’s various legal defense efforts with some light obstruction of justice, witness intimidation, and/or perjury?
• Please list three “outside-the-box” ideas for how Trump can make money while president.
• If Trump was to give you a box of documents for safekeeping, where would you hide it from the FBI’s prying eyes?
• What are your thoughts on the hypothetical hanging of vice presidents? Would you be interested in participating in one?
• Who do you think would make a good vice president in the event JD Vance has to be hung?
• Are you better than Rudy Giuliani at determining the difference between high-end hotel chains and local landscaping companies?
• Do you have any letters of recommendation from any dictators?
• List all the Russians and Saudis you are on good terms with, and detail how closely connected to Vladimir Putin or Mohammed bin Salman they are.
• If you see Trump cheating on Melania, will you keep your mouth shut? (lol jk on this one, Melania stopped caring years and several pre-nup renegotiations ago.)
• Do you have any Obamacare replacement ideas that would be cheaper and cover more people?
• Do you have any infrastructure deal ideas that would be better than Biden’s deals?
• Do you have any Iran nuclear deal ideas that would be better than Obama’s that Trump ripped up?
• Will you vow to never invoke the 25th Amendment to remove Trump from the presidency, no matter what he asks the military to do, what dictatorial powers he tries to take for himself, or how seniled be becomes in the next four years?
• Do you have any dirt or blackmail on Democrats, Republican members of Congress, or Evangelical pastors with big congregations (Lindsey Graham, Jim Jordan, and Jerry Falwell Jr. excluded because we have more than enough on them already)?
• Give 3 recommendations for people you think would be willing to pay $1 million for a pardon. [It takes a lot of time to cover the quid pro quo tracks, so SERIOUS RECOMMENDATIONS ONLY!]
• Describe Trump’s hand size in 100 words or less.
• (WOMEN ONLY) What is your bra size, menstrual cycle going back 6 months, and are you willing to get plastic surgery to better conform to Donald Trump’s casting aesthetic?
• (WOMEN ONLY) Will you be willing to serve as a character witness and tell the jury at Trump’s next sexual assault trial that he has never been anything but totally appropriate and non-threatening with you?
• (WOMEN ONLY) Do you need to go out furniture shopping anytime soon? Would you like accompaniment?
• (MEN ONLY) Have you been accused of domestic abuse or sexual harassment? (You can be totally honest because this a big advantage for you in Trump’s unique application scoring system for loyal underlings.)
• Do you know the Heimlich Maneuver? (Trump chokes on big bites of well-done steaks about twice a week.)
• Have you ever booked a hotel reservation at a Trump property? If no, why not, AND when will you be booking your first stay? (You can pay a deposit at your interview)
• Will you join a coup attempt if Congress doesn’t let Trump run again in 2028 and/or he loses the election in 2028, and will you help break some of the windows of the Capitol Building to get things rolling along if the mob isn’t riled up enough yet to do it themselves?
• Will you swear to tell the media that China is paying for the tariffs no matter what fact-checkers or the media say?
• You see Trump kick his golf ball into a water hazard, and toss a new one from his pocket real close to the hole. What do you do?
• Did you bring the requested 18-pack of Diet Coke cans? 🥃

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