I Thought My Borderline Defined Me, But I Was Wrong
I’m starting to come to terms with the idea that I have BPD
After a rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows over the years, finally, in March 2023, my life decided to take a detour, and I found myself at rock bottom.
I distinctly recall that it was the day of Balinese Silence, and my now-fiancé had left for a holiday in the Philippines, and a few friends were not on the island.
Then, my trauma decided to stop by and say hello.
It seemed like everyone I knew had left me behind.
It was quiet, and only during the day did I feel alone with no one physically close to me. I wondered what would happen when night fell.
I felt terrible about the emotions that had overwhelmed me, but I felt even worse for unloading all my emotions on my partner during his well-deserved holiday.
And just as I was on the edge of my self-destructive acts that could have cost me my life, I thought of reaching out for help. I was lucky, my neighbour was there and she opened her door for me.
Long story short, I decided to seek therapy and spent months in the process. It was during this time that I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
My heart raced as I was reading through my diagnosis on the paper until I came across the word ‘dependent,’ it hit me like a ton of bricks.
How could it tell me that I relied on others? I grew up without a mother and had to face puberty without her (which, I am still grateful for my primary school teacher and my girl friends, who guided me through the journey of becoming a woman), I was 12 when I had my puberty and I didn’t know how to wear pads–there wasn’t even google for that!
In 2021, I decided to move to Bali by myself, where I had no one nor did I know anyone on this island–how could they have the audacity to call me ‘dependent’?
I used to think that if there’s one thing nobody could ever say about me, it’s that I’m dependent. But boy oh boy, I was wrong.
My therapist helped me to see that I, indeed, needed someone.
I need someone. I need a reassuring voice to tell me that everything will be alright. I find myself relying on friends to offer comfort, and trusting that my happiness hinges on having my partner nearby. And how can I not have the answer to why I sleep better when I don’t sleep alone without feeling like it screams ‘dependent’?
I struggle to manage my mood swings, and will always have this constant worry of people leaving me. This fear can make me feel lonely — but how could I fear being lonely? I have a loving partner who sticks with me, supportive friends, and a whole digital nomad community in Bali!
I understand and respect that everyone needs their personal space, but at the same time, it’s terrifying when I feel excluded from anyone’s plans or thoughts — are they leaving me?
Again, it’s an ongoing battle inside me.
Like when someone is not replying to my text, I can’t help but think, “I hope nothing bad has happened to them.”
Or that time when they cancel their plans with me, it makes my feelings stronger and makes my existing fear of being abandoned even worse. Which will lead to me pushing them away.
Daylights, runs, and paintings help me a lot. When I feel bad? Go out, get some sun. Plan the week and have something to look forward to,
“I have a morning run on Sunday” — great!
“Painting by the beach on Saturday?” —wonderful!
“There’s a coworking every Tuesday.” — amazing!
I’ve got my days sorted out with things to look forward to, and those are the things that keep me on my feet. I try to rely on myself towards my healing journey. I am accountable and responsible for myself (easier said than done).
Here’s the thing, I’m still dealing with some difficulties in my life during my recovery, but I want to change and be better for myself. And that is because I care for the people around me.
I don’t want to drown and fall into depression again. Sure I still break down or have this thought of harming myself and just call it quits.
I’ll be honest, the path to my recovery is far from a walk in the park. But therapy has played a crucial role in helping me learn to manage my BPD.
Having a small but incredibly supportive chosen family gave me the courage to challenge myself. Their love means the world to me. I’m grateful for my partner and friends, as I understand how being with someone who has BPD isn’t easy. It requires a great deal of empathy, patience, and understanding to be there for and support them.
And I couldn’t be more thankful to my neighbour who opened her door for me.
While I am aware that my borderline is a significant part of my existence, I know that I am more than my “borderline.” I am stronger than I think I am, I face my BPD day and night.
I know BPD won’t just disappear–probably not ever, but I’m trying my best to keep moving forward and accept that I have to coexist with it.
