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We Republican Catholics Want To Create a US Papacy and Make Trump Its First Pope
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Donald Trump in a press conference today insisted it doesn’t matter that he’s not Catholic:
“America needs its own Pope. Can you believe there have been 266 Popes, and not one of them has ever been an American? We’re getting screwed! All the other presidents before me have let the Vatican walk all over America. Even the so-called greats — Washington and Lincoln, Obama, and sleepy Biden who is supposedly a Catholic himself! — none of those presidents ever got us an American Pope. But I’m making the world respect America again, so I have a plan to make the Catholic Church great again!”
Trump revealed a cross necklace from behind his long, red tie.
“I’m gonna get all the top Catholics in America together, and we’re gonna start our own Catholic Church. Maybe call it the Trumplic Church. I’m still spitballing name ideas. What about something like ‘Evangelicals,’ like if we called my followers ‘Trumpicals’? No, that sounds too much like testicles. But whatever we call it, I’m going to be the first Pope. The American Pope. The real Pope. It’s about time there was an American Pope, isn’t it?”
