Member-only story
What My Anxiety is Like
No I can’t stop myself from thinking
My life is so boring and uneventful. Would the minutiae of my daily life interest anyone? Well I’ll try with this stream of consciousness post and see how it’s received.
I get anxious over everything. And I often feel I have to apologise for it.
In my life, everyone seems so put together. So cool and calm. Everything is under control. How I wish I could be like that.
Also, they prefer it if you don’t complain. What you’ll get told is to not think so much. I think this must be the psyche of an older era. I am more in tune with Gen Z. I’m very fond of Gen Z (my sweet nephew) and beyond.
It frustrates me. How I wish there was an off button.
The only time I got some peace was when I had chemo and the Benedryl in the IV drip made me so sleepy I had the best and deepest sleep ever.
The not thinking won’t work. Worries suppressed come out in my subconscience in the form of disturbing nightmares. I always remember the details and my cousin D tells me it’s because I never got to the deep restful sleep state.
How sweet it was to have dreamless sleep. Or at least to not remember the dream. But no thanks, universe. I’d rather be in remission than have chemo just for the drugs.
What about prescription anxiety meds? I’m afraid I’ll get addicted or need stronger and stronger doses as the effect wears off. I only had them prescribed by my oncologist to prevent panic attacks before procedures and surgery.
I haven’t travelled in a year and now I’m anxious over packing. Intrusive thoughts about forgetting essential things or my luggage getting lost fill my mind. I know I won’t as I’m pretty organised and I’m a master list maker. Lists ease the feeling of disorganisation. I’m a bit of a control freak too.
I hesitate to share this as I seem so ungrateful. I shouldn’t be complaining. I get to travel. Finally. Something lacking in my life. Something I always yearn for. Something I have FOMO over. That’s always on my bucket list.
I guess that’s what an anxiety disorder does to you. Your brain always fills itself with something to worry about. I have tried distraction…
