Two phrases for more compassion and personal power
About the frill-necked lizard, aggressive adversaries, tough situations, and being centered
We have all been there. Those moments we look back and think we could have done better — in thoughts, speech, or action, when in a tough situation with another person.
A good friend recently sent me a picture with a very interesting quote.
“Do not let the ugly in others ruin your beauty”. Deep, simple, and resonating.
Why do we let others ruin our beauty, though? Blame it on the reptilian brain? The frilled-necked lizard, for example, puffs up its frills, making it larger than itself when threatened. This is a reptilian attempt at increasing its personal power.
As humans, we do try to take an aggressive stance, when we feel attacked or intimated by another. Like the frilled-necked lizard, the hair on our necks do stand out.
There is a big difference though.
The frilled-necked lizard runs away immediately after it puffs up its frills. The action of making itself large is temporary. Humans puff up and we hold our ground. Physically running away would make us a social disgrace. We rarely run away.
Isn’t it funny that we do not let the reptilian bring do its full gig — which includes the running away bit?
Now that running away is not an option? How do we increase our personal power in difficult situations?
I have seen these two phrases below being used super effectively.
Phrase 1: The 10-second request
Imagine you are up against an unreasonable and abusive adversary. You can feel your reptilian brain kicking into its standard operating procedure. The frills are up. The brain pushes you to run. You know running away is not an option. You also know that doing a dogfight is just not you.
You take a deep breath and you ask.
“Can you give me 10 seconds? I am feeling a bit agitated/angry/disturbed/<name your emotion>”.
When I saw this being used in a tense environment, I was surprised at how disarmed the aggressor was.
I also observed how centered and powerful the person who made the request became; in just over 10 seconds.
Ten seconds is not a lot to give when asked. I felt the person who asked for ten seconds immediately took the power back to himself from a place of being centered. The ten seconds also gave the person time to have a conversation from a logical plane and frills unfurled.
The ten seconds gave the individual time to take the conversation away from a dogfight, which would have negatively affected both parties.
The aggressive adversary, who was asked for ten seconds, was against someone who set the pace on their terms and was clearly aware of their feelings.
Phrase 2: The compassionate question that shows the mirror
In the “ten-second example”, the person who requested for the ten seconds was inwardly focused. Here is another scenario where an outward focus disarms an aggressor and empowers the actor.
Imagine your aggressor frilled-up at the neck, breathing shallow and quick, flush in the face, and spitting venom.
And you show him the mirror.
You describe what you see and what you feel, back to him, calmly.
You say, “Apologies for interrupting your thought. I see you are flush in your face. I sense that you are feeling really angry inside”.
There is no attack in your voice. You just showed him the mirror. A very compassionate stance. Not many want to be described how they appear when they are in a rage.
By stating that you are sensing their anger inside them, you are letting them know that their anger is not affecting you, but it is about them.
These are my observations. I am keen to get feedback. What do you think?
