#6 The Line Between Grief and Rage.
When the Weight of Severance Becomes Unbearable
This series does not exist to make you comfortable. It exists to tell the truth that has been buried beneath the dominant narrative of adoption. And to tell the truth, we cannot begin at the surface. We must begin at the end — the final realization of what adoption truly is — and move backward, tracing the fractures to their origin.
Each step deeper into the adoptee experience reveals a new layer of grief, denial, and confrontation. But at some point, grief is no longer enough. At some point, sadness turns into something else — rage.
Because to mourn something, the world must first acknowledge that it was lost. And when that validation never comes, grief mutates into something sharper, something that refuses to be ignored.
Rage.
The World Accepts Adoptee Grief
But Only If It Is Quiet
The dominant adoption narrative allows for grief — but only within limits. An adoptee may feel loss, but only if that loss does not challenge the system that created it.
- “Of course, it’s sad you lost your birth parents. But aren’t you happy with your new family?”
- “It’s okay to wonder about your past, but you shouldn’t dwell on it.”
- “You can be sad, but don’t be ungrateful.”
Adoptees are permitted to feel pain, but only if it is accompanied by gratitude, compliance, and a refusal to question.
And so, most adoptees try to grieve quietly. We internalize the loss. We carry it alone. We suppress the questions that no one wants to hear.
But loss does not disappear simply because the world refuses to acknowledge it. And when grief is silenced, it does not fade away. It grows. It festers. It transforms.
At some point, the weight of severance becomes unbearable. And then, grief is no longer sadness. It is fury.
The Moment Grief Becomes Rage
Every adoptee who steps into awareness reaches a moment when sadness no longer fits the depth of what was taken.
- The moment they realise their birth certificate is a lie.
- The moment they are told they will never have access to their own history.
- The moment they hear their adoptive family speak about their first family as if they never existed.
- The moment they are gaslit for the hundredth time — told that they should be grateful for what was done to them.
This is the moment when grief turns to rage. Not because adoptees are angry by nature but because society refuses to recognise their loss as real.
- Grief is what happens when something is lost.
- Rage is what happens when the world pretends it was never yours to begin with.
Adoptee rage is not dysfunction. It is a demand for recognition. It is the refusal to let the truth be erased. It is the moment an adoptee says, “No. This was not okay. This was not love. This was not a gift.”
And for that, adoptees are vilified.
Why Adoptee Rage Is Feared
Society is deeply uncomfortable with adoptee anger because it exposes the injustice adoption was built upon.
- Grateful adoptees uphold the system. Angry adoptees dismantle it.
- Grieving adoptees can be comforted. Angry adoptees demand change.
- Sadness can be controlled. Rage cannot.
This is why adoptees who speak out are labeled as bitter, damaged, or unwell. Because their anger is not just personal — it is systemic, political, and dangerous to the status quo.
The moment an adoptee rejects the narrative of gratitude and steps fully into their anger, they threaten the entire foundation of adoption.
And so, the system fights back.
The Cost of Carrying Rage
Adoptee rage is valid. But it is also heavy.
- It isolates. Not everyone is ready to face the truth. Many adoptees lose relationships when they refuse to stay silent.
- It exhausts. Fighting against a system designed to erase you takes an unimaginable toll.
- It burns. Rage is necessary, but it can consume the very people it fuels.
And so, many adoptees find themselves trapped. To stay silent is to accept the lie. To speak is to risk everything. And to exist in between is to carry the unbearable weight of severance alone.
So where does this leave adoptees who refuse to go back to silence but cannot bear the weight of their rage?
It leaves them on the edge of something new.
What Comes After Rage?
Rage is not the destination. It is a threshold.
When adoptees finally allow themselves to be angry — fully, unapologetically angry — they begin to see what was hidden beneath their grief. The truth.
- That their loss was not inevitable — it was orchestrated.
- That their identity was not erased by accident — it was erased by design.
- That they were never broken — but the system was.
And once that truth is fully seen, a new kind of existence begins. One that does not seek approval does not beg for understanding does not wait for permission to grieve.
The system does not want adoptees to reach this place. Because once they do, they are no longer just grieving. They are reclaiming.
And a reclaiming adoptee is unstoppable.
The Line Between Grief and Rage Is the Line Between Silence and Truth
Grief is not the final stage of the adoptee journey. It is the first step toward something much larger.
Rage is not a sign of failure. It is a sign that the illusion no longer holds.
And once an adoptee crosses that line, there is no going back.
- They will no longer stay silent.
- They will no longer comply.
- And they will never again let the world tell them what their loss was worth.
Hello, my name is Shane Bouel,
I’m a retired, qualified designer, lecturer & e-learning specialist seeking true connection.
I am an adoptee of forced adoption, living in Bali — a place that, like me, holds the weight of displacement and the echoes of histories rewritten. My journey is one of systematic erasure, existential severance, and, ultimately, reclamation.
Adoption is often seen as an act of love, a new beginning, a gift. But beneath that narrative lies a deeper, often unspoken truth — one of loss, identity fracture, and the struggle to exist in a world that does not recognise what has been taken.
I have spent years unravelling my own story, uncovering what was erased, and reclaiming the self that was meant to disappear. It has been a journey through grief, awakening, and profound transformation. And now, I invite you to walk that path with me.
From here, we embark on a journey together.
