#7 The Adoptee’s Choice:
To Speak or Stay Silent
This series does not exist to make you comfortable. It exists to tell the truth that has been buried beneath the dominant narrative of adoption. And to tell that truth, we cannot begin at the surface. We must begin at the end — the final realization of what adoption truly is — and move backward, tracing the fractures to their origin.
But before we reach the moment of severance, before we arrive at the primal loss that defines the adoptee experience, we must confront a pivotal moment — the moment an adoptee chooses whether to remain silent or speak the truth.
Adoption does not just erase. It replaces. And the greatest challenge for an adoptee is not just recognizing what was taken but deciding whether they will fight to reclaim it — or remain inside the illusion.
The Silence That Sustains the System
Silence is not a passive state for adoptees. It is expected. It is taught. It is enforced.
From the moment an adoptee is placed into their new life, a story is built around them — one that protects everyone else from the weight of their loss. This story is simple:
- You were chosen.
- You should be grateful.
- Your past doesn’t matter.
This story keeps the world comfortable. It keeps the adoption industry running. And it ensures that adoptees never have the space to fully process the reality of what happened to them.
To maintain this illusion, adoptees must accept a fundamental lie: that silence is survival.
Speaking out means rejection. Many adoptees fear losing relationships with their adoptive families, who see any criticism of adoption as a personal attack.
Speaking out means isolation. Those who tell the truth about adoption are often met with hostility, gaslighting, or outright denial.
Speaking out means exhaustion. The burden of constantly explaining, defending, and proving one’s own reality takes an emotional toll that many adoptees cannot afford.
And so, most stay quiet. Because silence is easier.
The Breaking Point:
When Silence No Longer Works
But silence is not healing. It is a temporary shelter built on avoidance.
Over time, the fractures begin to form. The inconsistencies in the adoption narrative become too obvious to ignore. The missing pieces — the erased history, the sealed records, the unanswered questions — become too heavy to carry.
And then, something happens:
- A DNA test reveals the truth about an adoptee’s origins.
- A reunion exposes the reality of what was lost.
- A conversation turns defensive, making it clear that adoptees are only accepted if they play their role.
At this moment, the adoptee is faced with a decision that will alter everything.
Do they continue the cycle of silence? Or do they risk everything and speak?
The Cost of Speaking the Truth
The world does not reward adoptees who break the silence. It punishes them.
Family Estrangement — Adoptees who challenge the adoption narrative often face backlash, rejection, and strained relationships with both adoptive and biological families.
Public Gaslighting — When adoptees speak about their loss, they are met with dismissal:
- “You should be grateful.”
- “Not all adoptions are like that.”
- “You just had a bad experience.”
Social & Emotional Isolation — Speaking truth often means losing community. Many adoptees feel like outsiders in their own lives — too connected to their loss to fit in with non-adoptees, yet too distant from their origins to belong there, either.
To break silence is to stand alone. And that is why many choose not to.
Why Speaking Still Matters
Despite the cost, many adoptees choose to speak anyway. Because silence, while easier, is not freedom.
Reclaiming Identity — To name what was taken is the first step toward reclaiming the self.
Breaking the Cycle for Future Adoptees — If silence sustains the system, then truth is what dismantles it.
Creating Community — While the world may resist the truth, other adoptees will recognize it. Speaking out is how we find each other.
Demanding Systemic Change — Adoption, as it exists today, relies on secrecy. Laws do not change without pressure. Truth-telling is how systems are undone.
The system wants adoptees to believe they have no power. But speaking truth is power.
The Adoptee’s Choice
Not every adoptee will speak. Some will remain silent, not because they don’t see the truth, but because they know the cost is too great. And that is okay.
But for those who choose to break the silence, challenge the system, and reclaim their own narratives — know this:
You are not alone.
Your truth is not up for debate.
And your voice — once freed — will never be silenced again.
Hello, my name is Shane Bouel,
I’m a retired, qualified designer, lecturer & e-learning specialist seeking true connection.
I am an adoptee of forced adoption, living in Bali — a place that, like me, holds the weight of displacement and the echoes of histories rewritten. My journey is one of systematic erasure, existential severance, and, ultimately, reclamation.
Adoption is often seen as an act of love, a new beginning, a gift. But beneath that narrative lies a deeper, often unspoken truth — one of loss, identity fracture, and the struggle to exist in a world that does not recognise what has been taken.
I have spent years unravelling my own story, uncovering what was erased, and reclaiming the self that was meant to disappear. It has been a journey through grief, awakening, and profound transformation. And now, I invite you to walk that path with me.
From here, we embark on a journey together.
